Chapter XI: Marooned

The Pursuit of the House-Boat

by John Kendrick Bangs

When Captain Holmes arrived upon deck he seized his glass, and,
gazing intently through it for a moment, perceived that the faithful
Shem had not deceived him. Flying at half-mast from a rude, roughly
hewn pole set upon a rocky height was the black flag, emblem of
piracy, and, as Artemus Ward put it, "with the second joints
reversed." It was in very truth a signal of distress.

"I make it a point never to be surprised," observed Holmes, as
he peered through the glass, "but this beats me. I didn't know there
was an island of this nature in these latitudes. Blackstone, go
below and pipe Captain Cook on deck. Perhaps he knows what island
that is."

"You'll have to excuse me, Captain Holmes," replied the Judge.
"I didn't ship on this voyage as a cabin-boy or a messenger-boy.
Therefore I--"

"Bonaparte, put the Judge in irons," interrupted Holmes,
sternly. "I expect to be obeyed, Judge Blackstone, whether you
shipped as a Lord Chief-Justice or a state-room steward. When I
issue an order it must be obeyed. Step lively there, Bonaparte. Get
his honor ironed and summon your marines. We may have work to do
before night. Hamlet, pipe Captain Cook on deck."

"Aye, aye, sir," replied Hamlet, with alacrity, as he made
off.

"That's the way to obey orders," said Holmes, with a scornful
glance at Blackstone.

"I was only jesting, Captain," said the latter, paling
somewhat.

"That's all right," said Holmes, taking up his glass again. "So
was I when I ordered you in irons, and in order that you may
appreciate the full force of the joke I repeat it. Bonaparte, do
your duty."

In an instant the order was obeyed, and the unhappy Judge
shortly found himself manacled and alone in the forecastle.
Meanwhile Captain Cook, in response to the commander's order,
repaired to the deck and scanned the distant coast.

"I can't place it," he said. "It can't be Monte Cristo, can
it?"

"No, it can't," said the Count, who stood hard by. "My island
was in the Mediterranean, and even if it dragged anchor it couldn't
have got out through the Strait of Gibraltar."

"Perhaps it's Robinson Crusoe's island," suggested Doctor
Johnson.

"Not it," observed De Foe. "If it is, the rest of you will
please keep off. It's mine, and I may want to use it again. I've
been having a number of interviews with Crusoe latterly, and he's
given me a lot of new points, which I intend incorporating in a
sequel for the Cimmerian Magazine."

"Well, in the name of Atlas, what island is it, then?" roared
Holmes, angrily. "What is the matter with all you learned lubbers
that I have brought along on this trip? Do you suppose I've brought
you to whistle up favorable winds? Not by the beard of the Prophet!
I brought you to give me information, and now when I ask for the name
of a simple little island like that in plain sight there's not one of
you able so much as to guess at it reasonably. The next man I ask
for information goes into irons with Judge Blackstone if he doesn't
answer me instantly with the information I want. Munchausen, what
island is that?"

"Ahem! that?" replied Munchausen, trembling, as he reflected
upon the Captain's threat. "What? Nobody knows what island that is?
Why, you surprise me -

"See here, Baron," retorted Holmes, menacingly, "I ask you a
plain question, and I want a plain answer, with no evasions to gain
time. Now it's irons or an answer. What island is that?"

"It's an island that doesn't appear on any chart, Captain,"
Munchausen responded instantly, pulling himself together for a mighty
effort, "and it has never been given a name; but as you insist upon
having one, we'll call it Holmes Island, in your honor. It is not
stationary. It is a floating island of lava formation, and is a
menace to every craft that goes to sea. I spent a year of my life
upon it once, and it is more barren than the desert of Sahara,
because you cannot raise even sand upon it, and it is devoid of water
of any sort, salt or fresh."

"What did you live on during that year?" asked Holmes, eying him
narrowly.

"Canned food from wrecks," replied the Baron, feeling much
easier now that he had got a fair start--"canned food from wrecks,
commander. There is a magnetic property in the upper stratum of this
piece of derelict real estate, sir, which attracts to it every bit of
canned substance that is lost overboard in all parts of the world. A
ship is wrecked, say, in the Pacific Ocean, and ultimately all the
loose metal upon her will succumb to the irresistible attraction of
this magnetic upper stratum, and will find its way to its shores. So
in any other part of the earth. Everything metallic turns up here
sooner or later; and when you consider that thousands of vessels go
down every year, vessels which are provisioned with tinned foods
only, you will begin to comprehend how many millions of pounds of
preserved salmon, sardines, pate de foie gras, peaches, and so on,
can be found strewn along its coast."

"Munchausen," said Holmes, smiling, "by the blush upon your
cheek, coupled with an occasional uneasy glance of the eye, I know
that for once you are standing upon the, to you, unfamiliar ground of
truth, and I admire you for it. There is nothing to be ashamed of in
telling the truth occasionally. You are a man after my own heart.
Come below and have a cocktail. Captain Cook, take command of the
Gehenna during my absence; head her straight for Holmes Island, and
when you discover anything new let me know. Bonaparte, in honor of
Munchausen's remarkable genius, I proclaim general amnesty to our
prisoners, and you may release Blackstone from his dilemma; and if
you have any tin soldiers among your marines, see that they are
lashed to the rigging. I don't want this electric island of the
Baron's to get a grip upon my military force at this juncture."

With this Holmes, followed by Munchausen, went below, and the
two worthies were soon deep in the mysteries of a phantom cocktail,
while Doctor Johnson and De Foe gazed mournfully out over the ocean
at the floating island.

"De Foe," said Johnson "that ought to be a lesson to you. This
realism that you tie up to is all right when you are alone with your
conscience; but when there are great things afoot, an imagination and
a broad view as to the limitations of truth aren't at all bad. You
or I might now be drinking that cocktail with Holmes if we'd only
risen to the opportunity the way Munchausen did."

"That is true," said De Foe, sadly. "But I didn't suppose he
wanted that kind of information. I could have spun a better yarn
than that of Munchausen's with my eyes shut. I supposed he wanted
truth, and I gave it."

"I'd like to know what has become of the House-boat," said
Raleigh, anxiously gazing through the glass at the island. "I can
see old Henry Morgan sitting down there on the rocks with his elbows
on his knees and his chin in his hands, and Kidd and Abeuchapeta are
standing back of him, yelling like mad, but there isn't a boat in
sight."

"Who is that man, off to the right, dancing a fandango?" asked
Johnson.

"It looks like Conrad, but I can't tell. He appears to have
gone crazy. He's got that wild look on his face which betokens
insanity. We'll have to be careful in our parleyings with these
people," said Raleigh.

"Anything new?" asked Holmes, returning to the deck, smacking
his lips in enjoyment of the cocktail.

"No--except that we are almost within hailing distance," said
Cook.

"Then give orders to cast anchor," observed Holmes. "Bonaparte,
take a crew of picked men ashore and bring those pirates aboard.
Take the three musketeers with you, and don't let Kidd or Morgan give
you any back talk. If they try any funny business, exorcise
them."

"Aye, aye, sir," replied Bonaparte, and in a moment a boat had
been lowered and a sturdy crew of sailors were pulling for the shore.
As they came within ten feet of it the pirates made a mad dash down
the rough, rocky hillside and clamored to be saved.

"What's happened to you?" cried Bonaparte, ordering the sailors
to back water lest the pirates should too hastily board the boat and
swamp her.

"We are marooned," replied Kidd, "and on an island of a volcanic
nature. There isn't a square inch of it that isn't heated up to 125
degrees, and seventeen of us have already evaporated. Conrad has
lost his reason; Abeuchapeta has become so tenuous that a child can
see through him. As for myself, I am growing iridescent with
anxiety, and unless I get off this infernal furnace I'll disappear
like a soap-bubble. For Heaven's sake, then, General, take us off,
on your own terms. We'll accept anything."

As if in confirmation of Kidd's words, six of the pirate crew
collapsed and disappeared into thin air, and a glance at Abeuchapeta
was proof enough of his condition. He had become as clear as
crystal, and had it not been for his rugged outlines he would hardly
have been visible even to his fellow-spirits. As for Kidd, he had
taken on the aspect of a rainbow, and it was patent that his fears
for himself were all too well founded.

Bonaparte embarked the leaders of the band first, returning
subsequently for the others, and repaired with them at once to the
Gehenna, where they were ushered into the presence of Sherlock
Holmes. The first question he asked was as to the whereabouts of the
House-boat.

"That we do not know," replied Kidd, mournfully, gazing downward
at the wreck of his former self. "We came ashore, sir, early
yesterday morning, in search of food. It appears that when--acting
in a wholly inexcusable fashion, and influenced, I confess it, by
motives of revenge--I made off with your club-house, I neglected to
ascertain if it were well stocked with provisions, a fatal error; for
when we endeavored to get supper we discovered that the larder
contained but half a bottle of farcie olives, two salted almonds, and
a soda cracker--not a luxurious feast for sixty-nine pirates and a
hundred and eighty-three women to sit down to."

"That's all nonsense," said Demosthenes. "The House Committee
had provided enough supper for six hundred people, in anticipation of
the appetite of the members on their return from the fight."

"Of course they did," said Confucius; "and it was a good one,
too-- salads, salmon glace, lobsters--every blessed thing a man can't
get at home we had; and what is more, they'd been delivered on board.
I saw to that before I went up the river."

"Then," moaned Kidd, "it is as I suspected. We were the victims
of base treachery on the part of those women."

"Treachery? Well, I like that. Call it reciprocity," said
Hamlet, dryly.

"We were informed by the ladies that there was nothing for
supper save the items I have already referred to," said Kidd. "I see
it all now. We had tried to make them comfortable, and I put myself
to some considerable personal inconvenience to make them easy in
their minds, but they were ungrateful."

"Whatever induced you to take 'em along with you?" asked
Socrates.

"We didn't want them," said Kidd.

"We didn't know they were on board until it was too late to turn
back. They'd broken in, and were having the club all to themselves
in your absence."

"It served you good and right," said Socrates, with a laugh.
"Next time you try to take things that don't belong to you, maybe
you'll be a trifle more careful as to whose property you
confiscate."

"But the House-boat--you haven't told us how you lost her," put
in Raleigh, impatiently.

"Well, it was this way," said Kidd. "When, in response to our
polite request for supper, the ladies said there was nothing to eat
on board, something had to be done, for we were all as hungry as
bears, and we decided to go ashore at the first port and provision.
Unfortunately the crew got restive, and when this floating frying-pan
loomed into view, to keep them good-natured we decided to land and
see if we could beg, borrow, or steal some supplies. We had to.
Observations taken with the sextant showed that there was no port
within five hundred miles; the island looked as if it might be
inhabited at least by goats, and ashore we went, every man of us,
leaving the House-boat safely anchored in the harbor. At first we
didn't mind the heat, and we hunted and hunted and hunted; but after
three or four hours I began to notice that three of my sailors were
shrivelling up, and Conrad began to act as if he were daft. Hawkins
burst right before my eyes. Then Abeuchapeta got prismatic around
the eyes and began to fade, and I noticed a slight iridescence about
myself; and as for Morgan, he had the misfortune to lie down to take
a nap in the sun, and when he waked up, his whole right side had
evaporated. Then we saw what the trouble was. We'd struck this lava
island, and were gradually succumbing to its intense heat. We rushed
madly back to the harbor to embark; and our ship, gentlemen, and your
House-boat, was slowly but surely disappearing over the horizon, and
flying from the flag-staff at the fore were signals of farewell, with
an unfeeling P.S. below to this effect: 'Don't wait up for us. We
may not be back until late.'"

There was a pause, during which Socrates laughed quietly to
himself, while Abeuchapeta and the one-sided Morgan wept silently.

"That, gentlemen of the Associated Shades, is all I know of the
whereabouts of the House-boat," continued Captain Kidd. "I have no
doubt that the ladies practised a deception, to our discomfiture, and
I must say that I think it was exceedingly clever--granting that it
was desirable to be rid of us, which I don't, for we meant well by
them, and they would have enjoyed themselves."

"But," cried Hamlet, "may they not now be in peril? They cannot
navigate that ship."

"They got her out of the harbor all right," said Kidd. "And I
judged from the figure at the helm that Mrs. Noah had taken charge.
What kind of a seaman she is I don't know."

"Almighty bad," ejaculated Shem, turning pale. "It was she who
ran us ashore on Ararat."

"Well, wasn't that what you wanted?" queried Munchausen.

"What we wanted!" cried Shem. "Well, I guess not. You don't
want your yacht stranded on a mountain-top, do you? She was a dead
loss there, whereas if mother hadn't been in such a hurry to get
ashore, we could have waited a month and landed on the seaboard."

"You might have turned her into a summer hotel," suggested
Munchausen.

"Well, we must up anchor and away," said Holmes. "Our pursuit
has merely begun, apparently. We must overtake this vessel, and the
question to be answered is--where?"

"That's easy," said Artemus Ward. "From what Shem says, I think
we'd better look for her in the Himalayas."

"And, meanwhile, what shall be done with Kidd?" asked Holmes.

"He ought to be expelled from the club," said Johnson.

"We can't expel him, because he's not a member," replied
Raleigh.

"Then elect him," suggested Ward.

"What on earth for?" growled Johnson.

"So that we can expel him," said Ward. And while Boswell's hero
was trying to get the value of this notion through his head, the
others repaired to the deck, and the Gehenna was soon under way once
more. Meanwhile Captain Kidd and his fellows were put in irons and
stowed away in the forecastle, alongside of the water-cask in which
Shylock lay in hiding.