Chapter III: The Search-Party is Organized

The Pursuit of the House-Boat

by John Kendrick Bangs

"Well, Mr. Holmes," said Sir Walter Raleigh, after three rousing
cheers, led by Hamlet, had been given with a will by the assembled
spirits, "after this demonstration in your honor I think it is hardly
necessary for me to assure you of our hearty co-operation in anything
you may venture to suggest. There is still manifest, however, some
desire on the part of the ever-wise King Solomon and my friend
Confucius to know how you deduce that Kidd has sailed for London,
from the cigar end which you hold in your hand."

"I can easily satisfy their curiosity," said Sherlock Holmes,
genially. "I believe I have already proven that it is the end of
Kidd's cigar. The marks of the teeth have shown that. Now observe
how closely it is smoked--there is barely enough of it left for one
to insert between his teeth. Now Captain Kidd would hardly have
risked the edges of his mustache and the comfort of his lips by
smoking a cigar down to the very light if he had had another; nor
would he under any circumstances have smoked it that far unless he
were passionately addicted to this particular brand of the weed.
Therefore I say to you, first, this was his cigar; second, it was the
last one he had; third, he is a confirmed smoker. The result, he has
gone to the one place in the world where these Connecticut hand-
rolled Havana cigars--for I recognize this as one of them--have a
real popularity, and are therefore more certainly obtainable, and
that is at London. You cannot get so vile a cigar as that outside of
a London hotel. If I could have seen a quarter-inch more of it, I
should have been able definitely to locate the hotel itself. The
wrappers unroll to a degree that varies perceptibly as between the
different hotels. The Fortuna cigar can be smoked a quarter through
before its wrapper gives way; the Felix wrapper goes as soon as you
light the cigar; whereas the River, fronting on the Thames, is
surrounded by a moister atmosphere than the others, and, as a
consequence, the wrapper will hold really until most people are
willing to throw the whole thing away."

"It is really a wonderful art!" said Solomon.

"The making of a Connecticut Havana cigar?" laughed Holmes.
"Not at all. Give me a head of lettuce and a straw, and I'll make
you a box."

"I referred to your art--that of detection," said Solomon.
"Your logic is perfect; step by step we have been led to the
irresistible conclusion that Kidd has made for London, and can be
found at one of these hotels."

"And only until next Tuesday, when he will take a house in the
neighborhood of Scotland Yard," put in Holmes, quickly, observing a
sneer on Hawkshaw's lips, and hastening to overwhelm him by further
evidence of his ingenuity. "When he gets his bill he will open his
piratical eyes so wide that he will be seized with jealousy to think
of how much more refined his profession has become since he left it,
and out of mere pique he will leave the hotel, and, to show himself
still cleverer than his modern prototypes, he will leave his account
unpaid, with the result that the affair will be put in the hands of
the police, under which circumstances a house in the immediate
vicinity of the famous police headquarters will be the safest hiding-
place he can find, as was instanced by the remarkable case of the
famous Penstock bond robbery. A certain churchwarden named Hinkley,
having been appointed cashier thereof, robbed the Penstock Imperial
Bank of 1,000,000 pounds in bonds, and, fleeing to London, actually
joined the detective force at Scotland Yard, and was detailed to find
himself, which of course he never did, nor would he ever have been
found had he not crossed my path."

Hawkshaw gazed mournfully off into space, and Le Coq muttered
profane words under his breath.

"We're not in the same class with this fellow, Hawkshaw," said
Le Coq. "You could tap your forehead knowingly eight hours a day
through all eternity with a sledge-hammer without loosening an idea
like that."

"Nevertheless I'll confound him yet," growled the jealous
detective. "I shall myself go to London, and, disguised as Captain
Kidd, will lead this visionary on until he comes there to arrest me,
and when these club members discover that it is Hawkshaw and not Kidd
he has run to earth, we'll have a great laugh on Sherlock Holmes."

"I am anxious to hear how you solved the bond-robbery mystery,"
said Socrates, wrapping his toga closely about him and settling back
against one of the spiles of the wharf.

"So are we all," said Sir Walter. "But meantime the House-boat
is getting farther away."

"Not unless she's sailing backwards," sneered Noah, who was
still nursing his resentment against Sir Christopher Wren for his
reflections upon the speed of the Ark

"What's the hurry?" asked Socrates. "I believe in making haste
slowly; and on the admission of our two eminent naval architects, Sir
Christopher and Noah, neither of their vessels can travel more than a
mile a week, and if we charter the Flying Dutchman to go in pursuit
of her we can catch her before she gets out of the Styx into the
Atlantic."

"Jonah might lend us his whale, if the beast is in commission,"
suggested Munchausen, dryly. "I for one would rather take a state-
room in Jonah's whale than go aboard the Flying Dutchman again. I
made one trip on the Dutchman, and she's worse than a dory for
comfort; further--I don't see what good it would do us to charter a
boat that can't land oftener than once in seven years, and spends
most of her time trying to double the Cape of Good Hope."

"My whale is in commission," said Jonah, with dignity. "But
Baron Munchausen need not consider the question of taking a
state-room aboard of her. She doesn't carry second-class passengers.
And if I took any stock in the idea of a trip on the Flying Dutchman
amounting to a seven years' exile, I would cheerfully pay the Baron's
expenses for a round trip."

"We are losing time, gentlemen," suggested Sherlock Holmes.
"This is a moment, I think, when you should lay aside personal
differences and personal preferences for immediate action. I have
examined the wake of the House-boat, and I judge from the condition
of what, for want of a better term, I may call the suds, when she
left us the House- boat was making ten knots a day. Almost any craft
we can find suitably manned ought to be able to do better than that;
and if you could summon Charon and ascertain what boats he has at
hand, it would be for the good of all concerned."

"That's a good plan," said Johnson. "Boswell, see if you can
find Charon."

"I am here already, sir," returned the ferryman, rising. "Most
of my boats have gone into winter quarters, your Honor. The
Mayflower went into dry dock last week to be calked up; the Pinta and
the Santa Maria are slow and cranky; the Monitor and the Merrimac I
haven't really had time to patch up; and the Valkyrie is two months
overdue. I cannot make up my mind whether she is lost or kept back by
excursion steamers. Hence I really don't know what I can lend you.
Any of these boat I have named you could have had for nothing; but my
others are actively employed, and I couldn't let them go without a
serious interference with my business."

The old man blinked sorrowfully across the waters at the
opposite shore. It was quite evident that he realized what a
dreadful expense the club was about to be put to, and while of course
there would be profit in it for him, he was sincerely sorry for
them.

"I repeat," he added, "those boats you could have had for
nothing, but the others I'd have to charge you for, though of course
I'll give you a discount."

And he blinked again, as he meditated upon whether that discount
should be an eighth or one-quarter of one per cent.

"The Flying Dutchman," he pursued, "ain't no good for your
purposes. She's too fast. She's built to fly by, not to stop. You'd
catch up with the House-boat in a minute with her, but you'd go right
on and disappear like a visionary; and as for the Ark, she'd never
do--with all respect to Mr. Noah. She's just about as suitable as
any other waterlogged cattle-steamer'd be, and no more--first-rate
for elephants and kangaroos, but no good for cruiser-work, and so
slow she wouldn't make a ripple high enough to drown a gnat going at
the top of her speed. Furthermore, she's got a great big hole in her
bottom, where she was stove in by running afoul of--Mount Arrus-root,
I believe it was called when Captain Noah went cruising with that
menagerie of his."

"That's an unmitigated falsehood!" cried Noah, angrily. "This
man talks like a professional amateur yachtsman. He has no regard
for facts, but simply goes ahead and makes statements with an utter
disregard of the truth. The Ark was not stove in. We beached her
very successfully. I say this in defence of my seamanship, which was
top-notch for my day."

"Couldn't sail six weeks without fouling a mountain-peak!"
sneered Wren, perceiving a chance to get even.

"The hole's there, just the same," said Charon. "Maybe she was
a centreboard, sad that's where you kept the board."

"The hole is there because it was worn there by one of the
elephants," retorted Noah. "You get a beast like the elephant
shuffling one of his fore-feet up and down, up and down, a plank for
twenty-four hours a day for forty days in one of your boats, and see
where your boat would be."

"Thanks," said Charon, calmly. "But the elephants don't
patronize my line. All the elephants I've ever seen in Hades waded
over, except Jumbo, and he reached his trunk across, fastened on to a
tree limb with it, and swung himself over. However, the Ark isn't at
all what you want, unless you are going to man her with a lot of
centaurs. If that's your intention, I'd charter her; the
accommodations are just the thing for a crew of that kind."

"Well, what do you suggest?" asked Raleigh, somewhat
impatiently. "You've told us what we can't do. Now tell us what we
can do."

"I'd stay right here," said Charon, "and let the ladies rescue
themselves. That's what I'd do. I've had the honor of bringing 'em
over here, and I think I know 'em pretty well. I've watched 'em
close, and it's my private opinion that before many days you'll see
your club-house sailing back here, with Queen Elizabeth at the
hellum, and the other ladies on the for'ard deck knittin' and
crochetin', and tearin' each other to pieces in a conversational way,
as happy as if there never had been any Captain Kidd and his pirate
crew."

"That suggestion is impossible," said Blackstone, rising.
"Whether the relief expedition amounts to anything or not, it's good
to be set going. The ladies would never forgive us if we sat here
inactive, even if they were capable of rescuing themselves. It is an
accepted principle of law that this climate hath no fury like a woman
left to herself, and we've got enough professional furies hereabouts
without our aiding in augmenting the ranks. We must have a boat."

"It'll cost you a thousand dollars a week," said Charon.

"I'll subscribe fifty," cried Hamlet.

"I'll consult my secretary," said Solomon, "and find out how
many of my wives have been abducted, and I'll pay ten dollars apiece
for their recovery."

"That's liberal," said Hawkshaw. "There are sixty-three of 'em
on board, together with eighty of his fiancees. What's the quotation
on fiancees, King Solomon?"

"Nothing," said Solomon. "They're not mine yet, and it's their
father's business to get 'em back. Not mine."

Other subscriptions came pouring in, and it was not long before
everybody save Shylock had put his name down for something. This
some one of the more quick-witted of the spirits soon observed, and,
with reckless disregard of the feelings of the Merchant of Venice,
began to call, "Shylock! Shylock! How much?"

The Merchant tried to leave the pier, but his path was
blocked.

"Subscribe, subscribe!" was the cry. "How much?"

"Order, gentlemen, order!" said Sir Walter, rising and holding a
bottle aloft. "A black person by the name of Friday, a valet of our
friend Mr. Crusoe, has just handed me this bottle, which he picked up
ten minutes ago on the bank of the river a few miles distant. It
contains a bit of paper, and may perhaps give us a clew based upon
something more substantial than even the wonderful theories of our
new brother Holmes."

A deathly silence followed the chairman's words, as Sir Walter
drew a corkscrew from his pocket and opened the bottle. He extracted
the paper, and, as he had surmised, it proved to be a message from
the missing vessel. His face brightening with a smile of relief, Sir
Walter read, aloud:

"Have just emerged into the Atlantic Club in hands of Kidd and
forty ruffians. One hundred and eighty-three ladies on board.
Headed for the Azores. Send aid at once. All well except Xanthippe,
who is seasick in the billiard-room. (Signed) Portia."

"Aha!" cried Hawkshaw. "That shows how valuable the Holmes
theory is."

"Precisely," said Holmes. "No woman knows anything about
seafaring, but Portia is right. The ship is headed for the Azores,
which is the first tack needed in a windward sail for London under
the present conditions."

The reply was greeted with cheers, and when they subsided the
cry for Shylock's subscription began again, but he declined.

"I had intended to put up a thousand ducats," he said,
defiantly, "but with that woman Portia on board I won't give a red
obolus!" and with that he wrapped his cloak about him and stalked off
into the gathering shadows of the wood.

And so the funds were raised without the aid of Shylock, and the
shapely twin-screw steamer the Gehenna was chartered of Charon, and
put under the command of Mr. Sherlock Holmes, who, after he had
thanked the company for their confidence, walked abstractedly away,
observing in strictest confidence to himself that he had done well to
prepare that bottle beforehand and bribe Crusoe's man to find it.

"For now," he said, with a chuckle, "I can get back to earth
again free of cost on my own hook, whether my eminent inventor wants
me there or not. I never approved of his killing me off as he did at
the very height of my popularity."