Chapter I: The Associated Shades Take Action

The Pursuit of the House-Boat

by John Kendrick Bangs

The House-boat of the Associated Shades, formerly located upon
the River Styx, as the reader may possibly remember, had been torn
from its moorings and navigated out into unknown seas by that
vengeful pirate Captain Kidd, aided and abetted by some of the most
ruffianly inhabitants of Hades. Like a thief in the night had they
come, and for no better reason than that the Captain had been
unanimously voted a shade too shady to associate with self-respecting
spirits had they made off with the happy floating club-house of their
betters; and worst of all, with them, by force of circumstances over
which they had no control, had sailed also the fair Queen Elizabeth,
the spirited Xanthippe, and every other strong-minded and beautiful
woman of Erebean society, whereby the men thereof were rendered
desolate.

"I can't stand it!" cried Raleigh, desperately, as with his
accustomed grace he presided over a special meeting of the club,
called on the bank of the inky Stygian stream, at the point where the
missing boat had been moored. "Think of it, gentlemen, Elizabeth of
England, Calpurnia of Rome, Ophelia of Denmark, and every precious
jewel in our social diadem gone, vanished completely; and with whom?
Kidd, of all men in the universe! Kidd, the pirate, the
ruffian--"

"Don't take on so, my dear Sir Walter," said Socrates,
cheerfully. "What's the use of going into hysterics? You are not a
woman, and should eschew that luxury. Xanthippe is with them, and
I'll warrant you that when that cherished spouse of mine has
recovered from the effects of the sea, say the third day out, Kidd
and his crew will be walking the plank, and voluntarily at that."

"But the House-boat itself," murmured Noah, sadly. "That was my
delight. It reminded me in some respects of the Ark."

"The law of compensation enters in there, my dear Commodore,"
retorted Socrates. "For me, with Xanthippe abroad I do not need a
club to go to; I can stay at home and take my hemlock in peace and
straight. Xanthippe always compelled me to dilute it at the rate of
one quart of water to the finger."

"Well, we didn't all marry Xanthippe," put in Caesar firmly,
"therefore we are not all satisfied with the situation. I, for one,
quite agree with Sir Walter that something must be done, and quickly.
Are we to sit here and do nothing, allowing that fiend to kidnap our
wives with impunity?"

"Not at all," interposed Bonaparte. "The time for action has
arrived. All things considered, he is welcome to Marie Louise, but
the idea of Josephine going off on a cruise of that kind breaks my
heart."

"No question about it," observed Dr. Johnson. "We've got to do
something if it is only for the sake of appearances. The question
really is, what shall be done first?"

"I am in favor of taking a drink as the first step, and
considering the matter of further action afterwards," suggested
Shakespeare, and it was this suggestion that made the members
unanimous upon the necessity for immediate action, for when the
assembled spirits called for their various favorite beverages it was
found that there were none to be had, it being Sunday, and all the
establishments wherein liquid refreshments were licensed to be sold
being closed--for at the time of writing the local government of
Hades was in the hands of the reform party.

"What!" cried Socrates. "Nothing but Styx water and vitriol,
Sundays? Then the House-boat must be recovered whether Xanthippe
comes with it or not. Sir Walter, I am for immediate action, after
all. This ruffian should be captured at once and made an example
of."

"Excuse me, Socrates," put in Lindley Murray, "but, ah--pray
speak in Greek hereafter, will you, please? When you attempt English
you have a beastly way of working up to climatic prepositions which
are offensive to the ear of a purist."

"This is no time to discuss style, Murray," interposed Sir
Walter. "Socrates may speak and spell like Chaucer if he pleases; he
may even part his infinitives in the middle, for all I care. We have
affairs of greater moment in hand."

"We must ransack the earth," cried Socrates, "until we find that
boat. I'm dry as a fish."

"There he goes again!" growled Murray. "Dry as a fish! What
fish, I'd like to know, is dry?"

"Red herrings," retorted Socrates; and there was a great laugh
at the expense of the purist, in which even Hamlet, who had grown
more and more melancholy and morbid since the abduction of Ophelia,
joined.

"Then it is settled," said Raleigh; "something must be done.
And now the point is, what?"

"Relief expeditions have a way of finding things," suggested Dr.
Livingstone. "Or rather of being found by the things they go out to
relieve. I propose that we send out a number of them. I will take
Africa; Bonaparte can lead an expedition into Europe; General
Washington may have North America; and--"

"I beg pardon," put in Dr. Johnson, "but have you any idea, Dr.
Livingstone, that Captain Kidd has put wheels on this House-boat of
ours, and is having it dragged across the Sahara by mules or
camels?"

"No such absurd idea ever entered my head," retorted the
Doctor.

"Do you, then, believe that he has put runners on it, and is
engaged in the pleasurable pastime of taking the ladies tobogganing
down the Alps?" persisted the philosopher.

"Not at all. Why do you ask?" queried the African explorer,
irritably.

"Because I wish to know," said Johnson. "That is always my
motive in asking questions. You propose to go looking for a
house-boat in Central Africa; you suggest that Bonaparte lead an
expedition in search of it through Europe--all of which strikes me as
nonsense. This search is the work of sea-dogs, not of landlubbers.
You might as well ask Confucius to look for it in the heart of China.
What earthly use there is in ransacking the earth I fail to see.
What we need is a navel expedition to scour the sea, unless it is
pretty well understood in advance that we believe Kidd has hauled the
boat out of the water, and is now using it for a roller-skating rink
or a bicycle academy in Ohio, or for some other purpose for which
neither he nor it was designed."

"Dr. Johnson's point is well taken," said a stranger who had
been sitting upon the string-piece of the pier, quietly, but with
very evident interest, listening to the discussion. He was a tall
and excessively slender shade, "like a spirt of steam out of a
teapot," as Johnson put it afterwards, so slight he seemed. "I have
not the honor of being a member of this association," the stranger
continued, "but, like all well-ordered shades, I aspire to the
distinction, and I hold myself and my talents at the disposal of this
club. I fancy it will not take us long to establish our initial
point, which is that the gross person who has so foully appropriated
your property to his own base uses does not contemplate removing it
from its keel and placing it somewhere inland. All the evidence in
hand points to a radically different conclusion, which is my sole
reason for doubting the value of that conclusion. Captain Kidd is a
seafarer by instinct, not a landsman. The House-boat is not a house,
but a boat; therefore the place to look for it is not, as Dr. Johnson
so well says, in the Sahara Desert, or on the Alps, or in the State
of Ohio, but upon the high sea, or upon the waterfront of some one of
the world's great cities."

"And what, then, would be your plan?" asked Sir Walter,
impressed by the stranger's manner as well as by the very manifest
reason in all that he had said.

"The chartering of a suitable vessel, fully armed and equipped
for the purpose of pursuit. Ascertain whither the House-boat has
sailed, for what port, and start at once. Have you a model of the
House-boat within reach?" returned the stranger.

"I think not; we have the architect's plans, however," said the
chairman.

"We had, Mr. Chairman," said Demosthenes, who was secretary of
the House Committee, rising, "but they are gone with the House-boat
itself. They were kept in the safe in the hold."

A look of annoyance came into the face of the stranger.

"That's too bad," he said. "It was a most important part of my
plan that we should know about how fast the House-boat was."

"Humph!" ejaculated Socrates, with ill-concealed sarcasm. "If
you'll take Xanthippe's word for it, the House-boat was the fastest
yacht afloat."

"I refer to the matter of speed in sailing," returned the
stranger, quietly. "The question of its ethical speed has nothing to
do with it."

"The designer of the craft is here," said Sir Walter, fixing his
eyes upon Sir Christopher Wren. "It is possible that he may be of
assistance in settling that point."

"What has all this got to do with the question, anyhow, Mr.
Chairman?" asked Solomon, rising impatiently and addressing Sir
Walter. "We aren't preparing for a yacht-race, that I know of.
Nobody's after a cup, or a championship of any kind. What we do want
is to get our wives back. The Captain hasn't taken more than half of
mine along with him, but I am interested none the less. The Queen of
Sheba is on board, and I am somewhat interested in her fate. So I
ask you what earthly or unearthly use there is in discussing this
question of speed in the House-boat. It strikes me as a woful waste
of time, and rather unprecedented too, that we should suspend all
rules and listen to the talk of an entire stranger."

"I do not venture to doubt the wisdom of Solomon," said Johnson,
dryly, "but I must say that the gentleman's remarks rather interest
me."

"Of course they do," ejaculated Solomon. "He agreed with you.
That ought to make him interesting to everybody. Freaks usually
are."

"That is not the reason at all," retorted Dr. Johnson. "Cold
water agrees with me, but it doesn't interest me. What I do think,
however, is that our unknown friend seems to have a grasp on the
situation by which we are confronted, and he's going at the matter in
hand in a very comprehensive fashion. I move, therefore, that
Solomon be laid on the table, and that the privileges of the--ah--of
the wharf be extended indefinitely to our friend on the string-
piece."

The motion, having been seconded, was duly carried, and the
stranger resumed.

"I will explain for the benefit of his Majesty King Solomon,
whose wisdom I have always admired, and whose endurance as the
husband of three hundred wives has filled me with wonder," he said,
"that before starting in pursuit of the stolen vessel we must select
a craft of some sort for the purpose, and that in selecting the
pursuer it is quite essential that we should choose a vessel of
greater speed than the one we desire to overtake. It would hardly be
proper, I think, if the House-boat can sail four knots an hour to
attempt to overhaul her with a launch, or other nautical craft, with
a maximum speed of two knots an hour."

"Hear! hear!" ejaculated Caesar.

"That is my reason, your Majesty, for inquiring as to the speed
of your late club-house," said the stranger, bowing courteously to
Solomon. "Now, if Sir Christopher Wren can give me her measurements,
we can very soon determine at about what rate she is leaving us
behind under favorable circumstances."

"'Tisn't necessary for Sir Christopher to do anything of the
sort," said Noah, rising and manifesting somewhat more heat than the
occasion seemed to require. "As long as we are discussing the
question I will take the liberty of stating what I have never
mentioned before, that the designer of the House-boat merely
appropriated the lines of the Ark. Shem, Ham, and Japhet will bear
testimony to the truth of that statement."

"There can be no quarrel on that score, Mr. Chairman," assented
Sir Christopher, with cutting frigidity. "I am perfectly willing to
admit that practically the two vessels were built on the same lines,
but with modifications which would enable my boat to sail twenty
miles to windward and back in six days' less time than it would have
taken the Ark to cover the same distance, and it could have taken all
the wash of the excursion steamers into the bargain."

"Bosh!" ejaculated Noah, angrily. "Strip your old tub down to a
flying balloon-jib and a marline-spike, and ballast the Ark with
elephants until every inch of her reeked with ivory and peanuts, and
she'd outfoot you on every leg, in a cyclone or a zephyr. Give me
the Ark and a breeze, and your House-boat wouldn't be within hailing
distance of her five minutes after the start if she had 40,000 square
yards of canvas spread before a gale."

"This discussion is waxing very unprofitable," observed
Confucius. "If these gentlemen cannot be made to confine themselves
to the subject that is agitating this body, I move we call in the
authorities and have them confined in the bottomless pit."

"I did not precipitate the quarrel," said Noah. "I was merely
trying to assist our friend on the string-piece. I was going to say
that as the Ark was probably a hundred times faster than Sir
Christopher Wren's--tub, which he himself says can take care of all
the wash of the excursion boats, thereby becoming on his own
admission a wash- tub--"

"Order! order!" cried Sir Christopher.

"I was going to say that this wash-tub could be overhauled by a
launch or any other craft with a speed of thirty knots a mouth,"
continued Noah, ignoring the interruption.

"Took him forty days to get to Mount Ararat!" sneered Sir
Christopher.

"Well, your boat would have got there two weeks sooner, I'll
admit," retorted Noah, "if she'd sprung a leak at the right time."

"Granting the truth of Noah's statement," said Sir Walter,
motioning to the angry architect to be quiet--"not that we take any
side in the issue between the two gentlemen, but merely for the sake
of argument- -I wish to ask the stranger who has been good enough to
interest himself in our trouble what he proposes to do--how can you
establish your course in case a boat were provided?"

"Also vot vill be dher gost, if any?" put in Shylock.

A murmur of disapprobation greeted this remark.

"The cost need not trouble you, sir," said Sir Walter,
indignantly, addressing the stranger; "you will have carte
blanche."

"Den ve are ruint!" cried Shylock, displaying his palms, and
showing by that act a select assortment of diamond rings.

"Oh," laughed the stranger, "that is a simple matter. Captain
Kidd has gone to London."

"To London!" cried several members at once. "How do you know
that?"

"By this," said the stranger, holding up the tiny stub end of a
cigar.

"Tut-tut!" ejaculated Solomon. "What child's play is this!"

"No, your Majesty," observed the stranger, "it is not child's
play; it is fact. That cigar end was thrown aside here on the wharf
by Captain Kidd just before he stepped on board the House-boat."

"How do you know that?" demanded Raleigh. "And granting the
truth of the assertion, what does it prove?"

"I will tell you," said the stranger. And he at once proceeded
as follows.