Chapter VII: A Discussion as to Ladies' Day

A House-Boat on the Styx

by John Kendrick Bangs

"I met Queen Elizabeth just now on the Row," said Raleigh, as he
entered the house-boat and checked his cloak.

"Indeed?" said Confucius. "What if you did? Other people have
met Queen Elizabeth. There's nothing original about that."

"True; but she made a suggestion to me about this house-boat
which I think is a good one. She says the women are all crazy to see
the inside of it," said Raleigh.

"Thus proving that immortal woman is no different from mortal
woman," retorted Confucius. "They want to see the inside of
everything. Curiosity, thy name is woman."

"Well, I am sure I don't see why men should arrogate to
themselves the sole right to an investigating turn of mind," said
Raleigh, impatiently. "Why shouldn't the ladies want to see the
inside of this club-house? It is a compliment to us that they
should, and I for one am in favor of letting them, and I am going to
propose that in the Ides of March we give a ladies' day here."

"Then I shall go South for my health in the Ides of March," said
Confucius, angrily. "What on earth is a club for if it isn't to
enable men to get away from their wives once in a while? When do
people go to clubs? When they are on their way home--that's when;
and the more a man's at home in his club, the less he's at home when
he's at home. I suppose you'll be suggesting a children's day next,
and after that a parrot's or a canary-bird's day."

"I had no idea you were such a woman-hater," said Raleigh, in
astonishment. "What's the matter? Were you ever disappointed in
love?"

"I? How absurd!" retorted Confucius, reddening. "The idea of
my ever being disappointed in love! I never met the woman who could
bring me to my knees, although I was married in the other world. What
became of Mrs. C. I never inquired. She may be in China yet, for
aught I know. I regard death as a divorce."

"Your wife must be glad of it," said Raleigh, somewhat
ungallantly; for, to tell the truth, he was nettled by Confucius's
demeanor. "I didn't know, however, but that since you escaped from
China and came here to Hades you might have fallen in love with some
spirit of an age subsequent to your own--Mary Queen of Scots, or Joan
of Arc, or some other spook--who rejected you. I can't account for
your dislike of women otherwise."

"Not I," said Confucius. "Hades would have a less classic name
than it has for me if I were hampered with a family. But go along
and have your ladies' day here, and never mind my reasons for
preferring my own society to that of the fair sex. I can at least
stay at home that day. What do you propose to do--throw open the
house to the wives of members, or to all ladies, irrespective of
their husbands' membership here?"

"I think the latter plan would be the better," said Raleigh.
"Otherwise Queen Elizabeth, to whom I am indebted for the suggestion,
would be excluded. She never married, you know."

"Didn't she?" said Confucius. "No, I didn't know it; but that
doesn't prove anything. When I went to school we didn't study the
history of the Elizabethan period. She didn't have absolute sway
over England, then?"

"She had; but what of that?" queried Raleigh.

"Do you mean to say that she lived and died an old maid from
choice?" demanded Confucius.

"Certainly I do," said Raleigh. "And why should I not tell you
that?"

"For a very good and sufficient reason," retorted Confucius,
"which is, in brief, that I am not a marine. I may dislike women, my
dear Raleigh, but I know them better than you do, gallant as you are;
and when you tell me in one and the same moment that a woman holding
absolute sway over men yet lived and died an old maid, you must not
be indignant if I smile and bite the end of my thumb, which is the
Chinese way of saying that's all in your eye, Betty Martin."

"Believe it or not, you poor old back number," retorted Raleigh,
hotly. "It alters nothing. Queen Elizabeth could have married a
hundred times over if she had wished. I know I lost my head there
completely."

"That shows, Sir Walter," said Dryden, with a grin, "how wrong
you are. You lost your head to King James. Hi! Shakespeare, here's
a man doesn't know who chopped his head off."

Raleigh's face flushed scarlet. "'Tis better to have had a head
and lost it," he cried, "than never to have had a head at all! Mark
you, Dryden, my boy, it ill befits you to scoff at me for my
misfortune, for dust thou art, and to dust thou hast returned, if
word from t'other side about thy books and that which in and on them
lies be true."

"Whate'er be said about my books," said Dryden, angrily, "be
they read or be they not, 'tis mine they are, and none there be who
dare dispute their authorship."

"Thus proving that men, thank Heaven, are still sane,"
ejaculated Doctor Johnson. "To assume the authorship of Dryden would
be not so much a claim, my friend, as a confession."

"Shades of the mighty Chow!" cried Confucius. "An' will ye hear
the poets squabble! Egad! A ladies' day could hardly introduce into
our midst a more diverting disputation."

"We're all getting a little high-flown in our phraseology," put
in Shakespeare at this point. "Let's quit talking in blank-verse and
come down to business. I think a ladies' day would be great sport.
I'll write a poem to read on the occasion."

"Then I oppose it with all my heart," said Doctor Johnson. "Why
do you always want to make our entertainments commonplace? Leave
occasional poems to mortals. I never knew an occasional poem yet
that was worthy of an immortal."

"That's precisely why I want to write one occasional poem. I'd
make it worthy," Shakespeare answered. "Like this, for instance:

Most fair, most sweet, most beauteous of ladies, The greatest
charm in all ye realm of Hades.

Why, my dear Doctor, such an opportunity for rhyming Hades with
ladies should not be lost."

"That just proves what I said," said Johnson. "Any idiot can
make ladies rhyme with Hades. It requires absolute genius to avoid
the temptation. You are great enough to make Hades rhyme with
bicycle if you choose to do it--but no, you succumb to the temptation
to be commonplace. Bah! One of these modern drawing-room poets with
three sections to his name couldn't do worse."

"On general principles," said Raleigh, "Johnson is right. We
invite these people here to see our club-house, not to give them an
exhibition of our metrical powers, and I think all exercises of a
formal nature should be frowned upon."

"Very well," said Shakespeare. "Go ahead. Have your own way
about it. Get out your brow and frown. I'm perfectly willing to
save myself the trouble of writing a poem. Writing real poetry isn't
easy, as you fellows would have discovered for yourselves if you'd
ever tried it."

"To pass over the arrogant assumption of the gentleman who has
just spoken, with the silence due to a proper expression of our
contempt therefor," said Dryden, slowly, "I think in case we do have
a ladies' day here we should exercise a most careful supervision over
the invitation list. For instance, wouldn't it be awkward for our
good friend Henry the Eighth to encounter the various Mrs. Henrys
here? Would it not likewise be awkward for them to meet each
other?"

"Your point is well taken," said Doctor Johnson. "I don't know
whether the King's matrimonial ventures are on speaking terms with
each other or not, but under any circumstances it would hardly be a
pleasing spectacle for Katharine of Arragon to see Henry running his
legs off getting cream and cakes for Anne Boleyn; nor would Anne like
it much if, on the other hand, Henry chose to behave like a gentleman
and a husband to Jane Seymour or Katharine Parr. I think, if the
members themselves are to send out the invitations, they should each
be limited to two cards, with the express understanding that no
member shall be permitted to invite more than one wife."

"That's going to be awkward," said Raleigh, scratching his head
thoughtfully. "Henry is such a hot-headed fellow that he might
resent the stipulation."

"I think he would," said Confucius. "I think he'd be as mad as
a hatter at your insinuation that he would invite any of his wives,
if all I hear of him is true; and what I've heard, Wolsey has told
me."

"He knew a thing or two about Henry," said Shakespeare. "If you
don't believe it, just read that play of mine that Beaumont and
Fletcher--er--ah--thought so much of."

"You came near giving your secret away that time, William," said
Johnson, with a sly smile, and giving the Avonian a dig between the
ribs.

"Secret! I haven't any secret," said Shakespeare, a little
acridly. "It's the truth I'm telling you. Beaumont and Fletcher did
admire Henry the Eighth."

"Thereby showing their conceit, eh?" said Johnson.

"Oh, of course, I didn't write anything, did I?" cried
Shakespeare. "Everybody wrote my plays but me. I'm the only person
that had no hand in Shakespeare. It seems to me that joke is about
worn out, Doctor. I'm getting a little tired of it myself; but if it
amuses you, why, keep it up. I know who wrote my plays, and whatever
you may say cannot affect the facts. Next thing you fellows will be
saying that I didn't write my own autographs?"

"I didn't say that," said Johnson, quietly. "Only there is no
internal evidence in your autographs that you knew how to spell your
name if you did. A man who signs his name Shixpur one day and
Shikespeare the next needn't complain if the Bank of Posterity
refuses to honor his check."

"They'd honor my check quick enough these days," retorted
Shakespeare. "When a man's autograph brings five thousand dollars,
or one thousand pounds, in the auction-room, there isn't a bank in
the world fool enough to decline to honor any check he'll sign under
a thousand dollars, or two hundred pounds."

"I fancy you're right," put in Raleigh. "But your checks or
your plays have nothing to do with ladies' day. Let's get to some
conclusion in this matter."

"Yes," said Confucius. "Let's. Ladies' day is becoming a
dreadful bore, and if we don't hurry up the billiard-room will be
full."

"Well, I move we get up a petition to the council to have it,"
said Dryden.

"I agree," said Confucius, "and I'll sign it. If there's one
way to avoid having ladies' day in the future, it's to have one now
and be done with it."

"All right," said Shakespeare. "I'll sign too."

"As--er--Shixpur or Shikespeare?" queried Johnson.

"Let him alone," said Raleigh. "He's getting sensitive about
that; and what you need to learn more than anything else is that it
isn't manners to twit a man on facts. What's bothering you, Dryden?
You look like a man with an idea."

"It has just occurred to me," said Dryden, "that while we can
safely leave the question of Henry the Eighth and his wives to the
wisdom of the council, we ought to pay some attention to the
advisability of inviting Lucretia Borgia. I'd hate to eat any supper
if she came within a mile of the banqueting-hall. If she comes
you'll have to appoint a tasting committee before I'll touch a drop
of punch or eat a speck of salad."

"We might recommend the appointment of Raleigh to look after the
fair Lucretia and see that she has no poison with her, or if she has,
to keep her from dropping it into the salads," said Confucius, with a
sidelong glance at Raleigh. "He's the especial champion of woman in
this club, and no doubt would be proud of the distinction."

"I would with most women," said Raleigh. "But I draw the line
at Lucretia Borgia."

And so a petition was drawn up, signed, and sent to the council,
and they, after mature deliberation, decided to have the ladies' day,
to which all the ladies in Hades, excepting Lucretia Borgia and
Delilah, were to be duly invited, only the date was not specified.
Delilah was excluded at the request of Samson, whose convincing
muscles, rather than his arguments, completely won over all
opposition to his proposition.