THE THIRTY-SIXTH CHAPTER

The Golden Ass

by Lucius Apuleius

THE THIRTY-SIXTH CHAPTER, THE GOLDEN ASS by Lucius Apuleius


How Apuleius was cheapned by divers persons, and how they
looked in his mouth to know his age.



After this we came to a faire Citie very populous, where our
shepheards determined to continue, by reason that it seemed a
place where they might live unknowne, far from such as should
pursue them, and because it was a countrey very plentifull of corne
and other victuals, where when we had remained the space of
three dayes, and that I poore Asse and the other horses were fed
and kept in the stable to the intent we might seeme more saleable,
we were brought out at length to the market, and by and by a crier
sounded with his horne to notifie that we were to be sold : all my
companion horses were bought up by Gentlemen, but as for me I
stood still forsaken of all men. And when many buiers came by
and looked in my mouth to know mine age, I was so weary with
opening my jawes that at length (unable to endure any longer)
when one came with a stinking paire of hands and grated my
gummes with his filthy fingers, I bit them cleane off, which thing
caused the standers by to forsake me as being a fierce and cruell
beast: the crier when he had gotten a hoarse voice with crying, and
saw that no man would buy me, began to mocke me saying, To
what end stand we here with this wilde Asse, this feeble beast, this
slow jade with worne hooves, good for nothing but to make sives of
his skin? Why do we not give him to some body for he earneth not
his hay? In this manner he made all the standers by to laugh
exceedingly, but my evill fortune which was ever so cruell against
me, whom I by travell of so many countreys could in no wise
escape, did more and more envie me, with invention of new
meanes to afflict my poore body in giving me a new Master as
spitefull as the rest. There was an old man somewhat bald, with
long and gray haire, one of the number of those that go from door
to door, throughout all the villages, bearing the Image of the
goddesse Syria, and playing with Cimbals to get the almes of good
and charitable folks, this old man came hastely towards the cryer,
and demanded where I was bred : Marry (quoth he) in Cappadocia
: Then he enquired what age I was of, the cryer answered as a
Mathematician, which disposed to me my Planets, that I was five
yeares old, and willed the old man to looke in my mouth : For I
would not willingly (quoth he) incur the penalty of the law Cornelia,
in selling a free Citizen for a servile slave, buy a Gods name this
faire beast to ride home on, and about in the countrey : But this
curious buier did never stint to question of my qualities, and at
length he demanded whether I were gentle or no : Gentle (quoth
the crier) as gentle as a Lambe, tractable to all use, he will never
bite, he will never kicke, hut you would rather thinke that under the
shape of an Asse there were some well advised man, which verely
you may easily conject, for if you would thrust your nose in his taile
you shall perceive how patient he is : Thus the cryer mocked the
old man, but he perceiving his taunts and jests, waxed very angry
saying, Away doting cryer, I pray the omnipotent and omniparent
goddesse Syria, Saint Sabod, Bellona, with her mother Idea, and
Venus, with Adonis, to strike out both thine eies, that with taunting
mocks hast scoffed me in this sort : Dost thou thinke that I will put
a goddesse upon the backe of any fierce beast, whereby her divine
Image should be throwne downe on the ground, and so I poore
miser should be compelled (tearing my haire) to looke for some
Physition to helpe her? When I heard him speake thus, I thought
with my selfe sodainly to leap upon him like a mad Asse, to the
intent he should not buy me, but incontinently there came another
Marchant that prevented my thought, and offered 17 Pence for me,
then my Master was glad and received the money, and delivered
me to my new Master who was called Phelibus, and he caried his
new servant home, and before he came to his house, he called out
his daughters saying, Behold my daughters, what a gentle servant I
have bought for you : then they were marvailous glad, and comming
out pratling and shouting for joy, thought verely that he had brought
home a fit and conveniable servant for their purpose, but when they
perceived that it was an Asse, they began to provoke him, saying
that he had not bought a servant for his Maidens, but rather an
Asse for himselfe. Howbeit (quoth they) keepe him not wholly for
your owne riding, but let us likewise have him at commandement.
Therewithall they led me into the stable, and tied me to the manger
: there was a certaine yong man with a mighty body, wel skilled in
playing on instruments before the gods to get money, who (as
soone as he had espied me) entertained me verie well, for he filled
my racke and maunger full of meat, and spake merrily saying, O
master Asse, you are very welcome, now you shall take my office
in hand, you are come to supply my roome, and to ease me of my
miserable labour : but I pray God thou rnaist long live and please
my Master well, to the end thou maist continually deliver me from
so great paine. When I heard these words I did prognosticate my
miserie to come.

The day following I saw there a great number of persons
apparelled in divers colours, having painted faces, mitres on their
heads, vestiments coloured like saffron, Surplesses of silke, and on
their feet yellow shooes, who attired the goddesse in a robe of
Purple, and put her upon my backe. Then they went forth with their
armes naked to their shoulders, bearing with them great swords and
mightie axes, and dancing like mad persons. After that we had
passed many small villages, we fortuned to come to one Britunis
house, where at our first entrie they began to hurle themselves
hither and thither, as though they were mad. They made a
thousand gestures with their feete and their hands, they would bite
themselves, finally, every one tooke his weapon and wounded his
armes in divers places.

Amongst whom there was one more mad then the rest, that let
many deepe sighes from the bottome of his heart, as though he had
beene ravished in spirite, or replenished with divine power. And
after that, he somewhat returning to himselfe, invented and forged
a great lye, saying, that he had displeased the divine majesty of the
goddesse, by doing of some thing which was not convenable to the
order of their holy religion, wherefore he would doe vengeance of
himselfe : and therewithall he tooke a whip, and scourged his owne
body, that the bloud issued out aboundantly, which thing caused me
greatly to feare, to see such wounds and effusion of bloud, least the
same goddesse desiring so much the bloud of men, should likewise
desire the bloud of an Asse. After they were wearie with hurling
and beating themselves, they sate downe, and behold, the
inhabitants came in, and offered gold, silver, vessels of wine, milke,
cheese, flower, wheate and other things : amongst whom there was
one, that brought barly to the Asse that carried the goddesse, but
the greedie whoresons thrust all into their sacke, which they
brought for the purpose and put it upon my backe, to the end I
might serve for two purposes, that is to say, for the barne by reason
of my corne, and for the Temple by reason of the goddesse. In this
sort, they went from place to place, robbing all the Countrey over.
At length they came to a certaine Castle where under colour of
divination, they brought to passe that they obtained a fat sheepe of
a poore husbandman for the goddesse supper and to make sacrifice
withall. After that the banket was prepared, they washed their
bodies, and brought in a tall young man of the village, to sup with
them, who had scarce tasted a few pottage, when hee began to
discover their beastly customes and inordinate desire of luxury. For
they compassed him round about, sitting at the table, and abused
the young man, contrary to all nature and reason. When I beheld
this horrible fact, I could not but attempt to utter my mind and say,
O masters, but I could pronounce no more but the first letter O,
which I roared out so valiantly, that the young men of the towne
seeking for a straie Asse, that they had lost the same night, and
hearing my voice, whereby they judged that I had beene theirs,
entred into the house unwares, and found these persons committing
their vile abhomination, which when they saw, they declared to all
the inhabitants by, their unnatural villany, mocking and laughing at
this the pure and cleane chastity of their religion. In the meane
season, Phelibus and his company, (by reason of the bruit which
was dispersed throughout all the region there of their beastly
wickednesse) put all their trumpery upon my backe, and departed
away about midnight. When we had passed a great part of our
journey, before the rising of the Sun, we came into a wild desart,
where they conspired together to slay me. For after they had taken
the goddesse from my backe and set her gingerly upon the ground,
they likewise tooke off my harnesse, and bound me surely to an
Oake, beating me with their whip, in such sort that all my body was
mortified. Amongst whom there was one that threatened to cut off
my legs with his hatchet, because by my noyse I diffamed his
chastity, but the other regarding more their owne profit than my
utility, thought best to spare my life, because I might carry home
the goddesse. So they laded me againe, driving me before them
with their naked swords, till they came to a noble City: where the
principall Patrone bearing high reverence unto the goddesse, Came
in great devotion before us with Tympany, Cymbals, and other
instruments, and received her, and all our company with much
sacrifice and veneration. But there I remember, I thought my selfe
in most danger, for there was one that brought to the Master of the
house, a side of a fat Bucke for a present, which being hanged
behind the kitchin doore, not far from the ground, was cleane eaten
up by a gray hound, that came in. The Cooke when he saw the
Venison devoured, lamented and wept pitifully. And because
supper time approached nigh, when as he should be reproved of too
much negligence, he tooke a halter to hang himselfe: but his wife
perceiving whereabout he went, ran incontinently to him, and taking
the halter in both her hands, stopped him of his purpose, saying, O
husband, are you out of your writs? pray husband follow my
counsel, cary this strange Asse out into some secret place and kill
him, which done, cut off one of his sides, and sawce it well like the
side of the Bucke, and set it before your Master. Then the Cooke
hearing the counsell of his wife, was well pleased to slay me to
save himselfe: and so he went to the whetstone, to sharpe his tooles
accordingly.