THE FIFTH CHAPTER

The Golden Ass

by Lucius Apuleius

THE FIFTH CHAPTER, THE GOLDEN ASS by Lucius Apuleius


How Socrates and Aristomenus slept together in one Chamber, and
how they were handled by Witches.

In speaking these words, and devising with my selfe of our
departing the next morrow, lest Meroe the witch should play by us
as she had done by divers other persons, it fortuned that Socrates
did fall asleepe, and slept very soundly, by reason of his travell and
plenty of meat and wine wherewithall hee had filled him selfe.
Wherefore I closed and barred fast the doores of the chamber, and
put my bed behinde the doore, and so layed mee downe to rest.
But I could in no wise sleepe, for the great feare which was in my
heart, untill it was about midnight, and then I began to slumber.
But alas, behold suddenly the chamber doores brake open, and
locks, bolts, and posts fell downe, that you would verily have
thought that some Theeves had been presently come to have
spoyled and robbed us. And my bed whereon I lay being a truckle
bed, fashioned in forme of a Cradle, and one of the feet broken and
rotten, by violence was turned upside downe, and I likewise was
overwhelmed and covered lying in the same. Then perceived I in
my selfe, that certaine affects of the minde by nature doth chance
contrary. For as teares oftentimes trickle downe the cheekes of
him that seeth or heareth some joyfull newes, so I being in this
fearfull perplexity, could not forbeare laughing, to see how of
Aristomenus I was made like unto a snail [in] his shell. And while I
lay on the ground covered in this sort, I peeped under the bed to
see what would happen. And behold there entred in two old
women, the one bearing a burning torch, and the other a sponge
and a naked sword; and so in this habit they stood about Socrates
being fast asleep. Then shee which bare the sword sayd unto the
other, Behold sister Panthia, this is my deare and sweet heart,
which both day and night hath abused my wanton youthfulnesse.
This is he, who little regarding my love, doth not only defame me
with reproachfull words, but also intendeth to run away. And I
shall be forsaken by like craft as Vlysses did use, and shall
continually bewaile my solitarinesse as Calipso. Which said, shee
pointed towards mee that lay under the bed, and shewed me to
Panthia. This is hee, quoth she, which is his Counsellor, and
perswadeth him to forsake me, and now being at the point of death
he lieth prostrate on the ground covered with his bed, and hath
seene all our doings, and hopeth to escape scot-free from my
hands, but I will cause that hee will repente himselfe too late, nay
rather forthwith, of his former intemperate language, and his
present curiosity. Which words when I heard I fell into a cold
sweat, and my heart trembled with feare, insomuch that the bed
over me did likewise rattle and shake. Then spake Panthia unto
Meroe and said, Sister let us by and by teare him in pieces or tye
him by the members, and so cut them off. Then Meroe (being so
named because she was a Taverner, and loved wel good wines)
answered, Nay rather let him live, and bury the corpse of this poore
wretch in some hole of the earth; and therewithall shee turned the
head of Socrates on the other side and thrust her sword up to the
hilts into the left part of his necke, and received the bloud that
gushed out, into a pot, that no drop thereof fell beside : which
things I saw with mine own eyes, and as I thinke to the intent that
she might alter nothing that pertained to sacrifice, which she
accustomed to make, she thrust her hand down into the intrals of
his body, and searching about, at length brought forth the heart of
my miserable companion Socrates, who having his throat cut in
such sort, yeelded out a dolefull cry, and gave up the ghost. Then
Panthia stopped up the wide wound of his throat with the Sponge
and said, O sponge sprung and made of the sea, beware that thou
not passe by running river. This being said, one of them moved and
turned up my bed, and then they strid over mee, and clapped their
buttocks upon my face, and all bepissed mee until I was wringing
wet. When this was over they went their wayes, and the doores
closed fast, the posts stood in their old places, and the lockes and
bolts were shut againe. But I that lay upon the ground like one
without soule, naked and cold, and wringing wet with pisse, like to
one that were more than half dead, yet reviving my selfe, and
appointed as I thought for the Gallowes, began to say Alasse what
shall become of me to morrow, when my companion shall be found
murthered here in the chamber? To whom shall I seeme to tell any
similitude of truth, when as I shall tell the trueth in deed? They will
say, If thou wert unable to resist the violence of the women, yet
shouldest thou have cried for help; Wouldst thou suffer the man to
be slaine before thy face and say nothing? Or why did they not slay
thee likewise? Why did they spare thee that stood by and saw
them commit that horrible fact? Wherefore although thou hast
escaped their hands, yet thou shalt not escape ours. While I
pondered these things with my selfe the night passed on, and so I
resolved to take my horse before day, and goe forward on my
journey.

Howbeit the wayes were unknown to me, and thereupon I tooke up
my packet, unlocked and unbarred the doors, but those good and
faithfull doores which in the night did open of their owne accord,
could then scantly be opened with their keyes. And when I was
out I cried, O sirrah Hostler where art thou? Open the stable doore
for I will ride away by and by. The Hostler lying behinde the stable
doore upon a pallet, and half asleepe, What (quoth hee) doe you not
know that the wayes be very dangerous? What meane you to rise
at this time of night? If you perhaps guilty of some heynous crime,
be weary of your life, yet thinke you not that we are such Sots that
we will die for you. Then said I, It is well nigh day, and moreover,
what can theeves take from him that hath nothing? Doest thou not
know (Foole as thou art) if thou be naked, if ten Gyants should
assaile thee, they could not spoyle or rob thee? Whereunto the
drowsie Hostler half asleepe, and turning on the other side,
answered, What know I whether you have murthered your
Companion whom you brought in yesternight, or no, and now seeke
the means to escape away? O Lord, at that time I remember the
earth seemed ready to open, and me thought I saw at hell gate the
Dog Cerberus ready to devour mee, and then I verily beleeved, that
Meroe did not spare my throat, mooved with pitty, but rather cruelly
pardoned mee to bring mee to the Gallowes. Wherefore I returned
to my chamber, and there devised with my selfe in what sort I
should finish my life. But when I saw that fortune should minister
unto mee no other instrument than that which my bed profered me,
I said, O bed, O bed, most dear to me at this present, which hast
abode and suffered with me so many miseries, judge and arbiter of
such things as were done here this night, whome onely I may call to
witnesse for my innocency, render (I say) unto me some
wholesome weapon to end my life, that am most willing to dye.
And therewithal I pulled out a piece of the rope wherewith the bed
was corded, and tyed one end thereof about a rafter by the
window, and with the other end I made a sliding knot, and stood
upon my bed, and so put my neck into it, and leaped from the bed,
thinking to strangle my selfe and so dye, behold the rope beeing old
and rotten burst in the middle, and I fell down tumbling upon
Socrates that lay under : And even at that same very time the
Hostler came in crying with a loud voyce, and sayd, Where are you
that made such hast at midnight, and now lies wallowing abed?
Whereupon (I know not whether it was by my fall, or by the great
cry of the Hostler) Socrates as waking out of sleepe, did rise up
first and sayd, It is not without cause that strangers do speake evill
of all such Hostlers, for this Catife in his comming in, and with his
crying out, I thinke under a colour to steale away something, hath
waked me out of a sound sleepe. Then I rose up joyfull with a
merry countenance, saying, Behold good Hostler, my friend, my
companion and my brother, whom thou didst falsly affirme to be
slaine by mee this might. And therewithall I embraced my friend
Socrates and kissed him : but hee smelling the stinke of the pisse
wherewith those Hagges had embrued me, thrust me away and
sayd, Clense thy selfe from this filthy odour, and then he began
gently to enquire, how that noysome sent hapned unto mee. But I
finely feigning and colouring the matter for the time, did breake off
his talk, and tooke him by the hand and sayd, Why tarry we? Why
lose wee the pleasure of this faire morning? Let us goe, and so I
tooke up my packet, and payed the charges of the house and
departed : and we had not gone a mile out of the Towne but it was
broad day, and then I diligently looked upon Socrates throat, to see
if I could espy the place where Meroe thrust in her sword : but
when I could not perceive any such thing, I thought with my selfe,
What a mad man am I, that being overcome with wine yester night,
have dreamed such terrible things? Behold I see Socrates is sound,
safe and in health. Where is his wound? Where is the Sponge?
Where is his great and new cut? And then I spake to him and said,
Verily it is not without occasion, that Physitians of experience do
affirme, That such as fill their gorges abundantly with meat and
drinke, shall dreame of dire and horrible sights : for I my selfe, not
tempering my appetite yester night from the pots of wine, did
seeme to see this night strange and cruel visions, that even yet I
think my self sprinkled and wet with human blood : whereunto
Socrates laughing made answer and said, Nay, thou art not wet
with the blood of men, but art embrued with stinking pisse; and
verily I dreamed that my throat was cut, and that I felt the paine of
the wound, and that my heart was pulled out of my belly, and the
remembrance thereof makes me now to feare, for my knees do so
tremble that I can scarce goe any further, and therefore I would
faine eat somewhat to strengthen and revive my spirits. Then said
I, behold here thy breakefast, and therewithall I opened my script
that hanged upon my shoulder, and gave him bread and cheese, and
we sate downe under a greate Plane tree, and I eat part with him;
and while I beheld him eating greedily, I perceived that he waxed
meigre and pale, and that his lively colour faded away, insomuch
that beeing in great fear, and remembring those terrible furies of
whom I lately dreamed, the first morsell of bread that I put in my
mouth (that was but very small) did so stick in my jawes, that I
could neither swallow it downe, nor yet yeeld it up, and moreover
the small time of our being together increased my feare, and what
is hee that seeing his companion die in the high-way before his
face, would not greatly lament and bee sorry? But when that
Socrates had eaten sufficiently hee waxed very thirsty, for indeed
he had well nigh devoured a whole Cheese : and behold evill
fortune! There was behind the Plane tree a pleasant running water
as cleere as Crystal, and I sayd unto him, Come hither Socrates to
this water and drinke thy fill. And then he rose and came to the
River, and kneeled downe on the side of the banke to drinke, but he
had scarce touched the water with lips, when as behold the wound
in his throat opened wide, and the Sponge suddenly fell out into the
water, and after issued out a little remnant of bloud, and his body
being then without life, had fallen into the river, had not I caught
him by the leg and so pulled him up. And after that I had lamented
a good space the death of my wretched companion, I buried him in
the Sands there by the river.

Which done, in great feare I rode through many Outwayes and
desart places, and as culpable of the death of Socrates, I forsooke
my countrey, my wife, and my children, and came to Etolia where I
married another Wife.

This tale told Aristomenus, and his fellow which before obstinatly
would give no credit unto him, began to say, Verily there was never
so foolish a tale, nor a more absurd lie told than this. And then he
spake unto me saying, Ho sir, what you are I know not, but your
habit and countenance declareth that you should be some honest
Gentleman, (speaking to Apuleius) doe you beleeve this tale? Yea
verily (quoth I), why not? For whatsoever the fates have appointed
to men, that I beleeve shall happen. For may things chance unto
me and unto you, and to divers others, which beeing declared unto
the ignorant be accounted as lies. But verily I give credit unto his
tale, and render entire thankes unto him, in that by the pleasant
relation thereof we have quickly passed and shortned our journey,
and I thinke that my horse was also delighted with the same, and
hath brought me to the gate of this city without any paine at all.
Thus ended both our talk and our journey, for they two turned on
the left hand to the next villages, and I rode into the city.