Scene IX.

The Way of the World

by William Congreve

[To them] PETULANT drunk.

WITWOUD
Now, Petulant? All's over, all's well? Gad, my
head begins to whim it about. Why dost thou not speak? Thou art
both as drunk and as mute as a fish.

PETULANT
Look you, Mrs. Millamant, if you can love me, dear
Nymph, say it, and that's the conclusion--pass on, or pass
off--that's all.

WITWOUD
Thou hast uttered volumes, folios, in less than
decimo sexto, my dear Lacedemonian. Sirrah, Petulant, thou art an
epitomiser of words.

PETULANT
Witwoud,--you are an annihilator of sense.

WITWOUD
Thou art a retailer of phrases, and dost deal in
remnants of remnants, like a maker of pincushions; thou art in truth
(metaphorically speaking) a speaker of shorthand.

PETULANT
Thou art (without a figure) just one half of an
ass, and Baldwin yonder, thy half-brother, is the rest. A Gemini of
asses split would make just four of you.

WITWOUD
Thou dost bite, my dear mustard-seed; kiss me for
that.

PETULANT
Stand off--I'll kiss no more males--I have kissed
your Twin yonder in a humour of reconciliation till he [hiccup] rises
upon my stomach like a radish.

MILLAMANT
Eh! filthy creature; what was the quarrel?

PETULANT
There was no quarrel; there might have been a
quarrel.

WITWOUD
If there had been words enow between 'em to have
expressed provocation, they had gone together by the ears like a pair
of castanets.

PETULANT
You were the quarrel.

MILLAMANT
Me?

PETULANT
If I have a humour to quarrel, I can make less
matters conclude premises. If you are not handsome, what then? If I
have a humour to prove it? If I shall have my reward, say so; if
not, fight for your face the next time yourself--I'll go sleep.

WITWOUD
Do, wrap thyself up like a woodlouse, and dream
revenge. And, hear me, if thou canst learn to write by to-morrow
morning, pen me a challenge. I'll carry it for thee.

PETULANT
Carry your mistress's monkey a spider; go flea dogs
and read romances. I'll go to bed to my maid.

MRS. FAINALL
He's horridly drunk--how came you all in this
pickle?

WITWOUD
A plot, a plot, to get rid of the knight--your
husband's advice; but he sneaked off.