Scene XVIII.

The Way of the World

by William Congreve

MRS. MARWOOD, FAINALL.

FAINALL
Why, then, Foible's a bawd, an errant, rank
match-making bawd. And I, it seems, am a husband, a rank husband,
and my wife a very errant, rank wife,--all in the way of the world.
'Sdeath, to be a cuckold by anticipation, a cuckold in embryo! Sure
I was born with budding antlers like a young satyr, or a citizen's
child, 'sdeath, to be out-witted, to be out-jilted, out-matrimonied.
If I had kept my speed like a stag, 'twere somewhat, but to crawl
after, with my horns like a snail, and be outstripped by my
wife--'tis scurvy wedlock.

MRS. MARWOOD
Then shake it off: you have often wished for
an opportunity to part, and now you have it. But first prevent their
plot:- the half of Millamant's fortune is too considerable to be
parted with to a foe, to Mirabell.

FAINALL
Damn him, that had been mine--had you not made that
fond discovery. That had been forfeited, had they been married. My
wife had added lustre to my horns by that increase of fortune: I
could have worn 'em tipt with gold, though my forehead had been
furnished like a deputy-lieutenant's hall.

MRS. MARWOOD
They may prove a cap of maintenance to you
still, if you can away with your wife. And she's no worse than when
you had her:- I dare swear she had given up her game before she was
married.

FAINALL
Hum! That may be -

MRS. MARWOOD
You married her to keep you; and if you can
contrive to have her keep you better than you expected, why should
you not keep her longer than you intended?

FAINALL
The means, the means?

MRS. MARWOOD
Discover to my lady your wife's conduct;
threaten to part with her. My lady loves her, and will come to any
composition to save her reputation. Take the opportunity of breaking
it just upon the discovery of this imposture. My lady will be
enraged beyond bounds, and sacrifice niece, and fortune and all at
that conjuncture. And let me alone to keep her warm: if she should
flag in her part, I will not fail to prompt her.

FAINALL
Faith, this has an appearance.

MRS. MARWOOD
I'm sorry I hinted to my lady to endeavour a
match between Millamant and Sir Wilfull; that may be an obstacle.

FAINALL
Oh, for that matter, leave me to manage him; I'll
disable him for that, he will drink like a Dane. After dinner I'll
set his hand in.

MRS. MARWOOD
Well, how do you stand affected towards your
lady?

FAINALL
Why, faith, I'm thinking of it. Let me see. I am
married already; so that's over. My wife has played the jade with
me; well, that's over too. I never loved her, or if I had, why that
would have been over too by this time. Jealous of her I cannot be,
for I am certain; so there's an end of jealousy. Weary of her I am
and shall be. No, there's no end of that; no, no, that were too much
to hope. Thus far concerning my repose. Now for my reputation: as
to my own, I married not for it; so that's out of the question. And
as to my part in my wife's--why, she had parted with hers before; so,
bringing none to me, she can take none from me: 'tis against all
rule of play that I should lose to one who has not wherewithal to
stake.

MRS. MARWOOD
Besides you forget, marriage is honourable.

FAINALL
Hum! Faith, and that's well thought on: marriage
is honourable, as you say; and if so, wherefore should cuckoldom be a
discredit, being derived from so honourable a root?

MRS. MARWOOD
Nay, I know not; if the root be honourable, why
not the branches?

FAINALL
So, so; why this point's clear. Well, how do we
proceed?

MRS. MARWOOD
I will contrive a letter which shall be
delivered to my lady at the time when that rascal who is to act Sir
Rowland is with her. It shall come as from an unknown hand--for the
less I appear to know of the truth the better I can play the
incendiary. Besides, I would not have Foible provoked if I could
help it, because, you know, she knows some passages. Nay, I expect
all will come out. But let the mine be sprung first, and then I care
not if I am discovered.

FAINALL
If the worst come to the worst, I'll turn my wife to
grass. I have already a deed of settlement of the best part of her
estate, which I wheedled out of her, and that you shall partake at
least.

MRS. MARWOOD
I hope you are convinced that I hate Mirabell
now? You'll be no more jealous?

FAINALL
Jealous? No, by this kiss. Let husbands be
jealous, but let the lover still believe: or if he doubt, let it be
only to endear his pleasure, and prepare the joy that follows, when
he proves his mistress true. But let husbands' doubts convert to
endless jealousy; or if they have belief, let it corrupt to
superstition and blind credulity. I am single and will herd no more
with 'em. True, I wear the badge, but I'll disown the order. And
since I take my leave of 'em, I care not if I leave 'em a common
motto to their common crest.

All husbands must or pain or shame endure; The wise too jealous
are, fools too secure.