Scene IX.

The Way of the World

by William Congreve

PETULANT, MIRABELL, FAINALL, WITWOUD, BETTY.

BETTY
Sir, the coach stays.

PET
Well, well, I come. 'Sbud, a man had as good be a
professed midwife as a professed whoremaster, at this rate; to be
knocked up and raised at all hours, and in all places. Pox on 'em, I
won't come. D'ye hear, tell 'em I won't come. Let 'em snivel and
cry their hearts out.

FAINALL
You are very cruel, Petulant.

PETULANT
All's one, let it pass. I have a humour to be
cruel.

MIRABELL
I hope they are not persons of condition that you
use at this rate.

PETULANT
Condition? Condition's a dried fig, if I am not in
humour. By this hand, if they were your--a--a--your
what-d'ee-call-'ems themselves, they must wait or rub off, if I want
appetite.

MIRABELL
What-d'ee-call-'ems! What are they, Witwoud?

WITWOUD
Empresses, my dear. By your what-d'ee-call-'ems he
means Sultana Queens.

PETULANT
Ay, Roxolanas.

MIRABELL
Cry you mercy.

FAINALL
Witwoud says they are -

PETULANT
What does he say th'are?

WITWOUD
I? Fine ladies, I say.

PETULANT
Pass on, Witwoud. Harkee, by this light, his
relations--two co-heiresses his cousins, and an old aunt, who loves
cater-wauling better than a conventicle.

WITWOUD
Ha, ha, ha! I had a mind to see how the rogue would
come off. Ha, ha, ha! Gad, I can't be angry with him, if he had said
they were my mother and my sisters.

MIRABELL
No?

WITWOUD
No; the rogue's wit and readiness of invention charm
me, dear Petulant.

BETTY
They are gone, sir, in great anger.

PETULANT
Enough, let 'em trundle. Anger helps complexion,
saves paint.

FAINALL
This continence is all dissembled; this is in order
to have something to brag of the next time he makes court to
Millamant, and swear he has abandoned the whole sex for her sake.

MIRABELL
Have you not left off your impudent pretensions
there yet? I shall cut your throat, sometime or other, Petulant,
about that business.

PETULANT
Ay, ay, let that pass. There are other throats to
be cut.

MIRABELL
Meaning mine, sir?

PETULANT
Not I--I mean nobody--I know nothing. But there
are uncles and nephews in the world--and they may be rivals. What
then? All's one for that.

MIRABELL
How? Harkee, Petulant, come hither. Explain, or I
shall call your interpreter.

PETULANT
Explain? I know nothing. Why, you have an uncle,
have you not, lately come to town, and lodges by my Lady
Wishfort's?

MIRABELL
True.

PETULANT
Why, that's enough. You and he are not friends;
and if he should marry and have a child, yon may be disinherited,
ha!

MIRABELL
Where hast thou stumbled upon all this truth?

PETULANT
All's one for that; why, then, say I know
something.

MIRABELL
Come, thou art an honest fellow, Petulant, and
shalt make love to my mistress, thou shalt, faith. What hast thou
heard of my uncle?

PETULANT
I? Nothing, I If throats are to be cut, let swords
clash. Snug's the word; I shrug and am silent.

MIRABELL
Oh, raillery, raillery! Come, I know thou art in
the women's secrets. What, you're a cabalist; I know you stayed at
Millamant's last night after I went. Was there any mention made of
my uncle or me? Tell me; if thou hadst but good nature equal to thy
wit, Petulant, Tony Witwoud, who is now thy competitor in fame, would
show as dim by thee as a dead whiting's eye by a pearl of orient; he
would no more be seen by thee than Mercury is by the sun: come, I'm
sure thou wo't tell me.

PETULANT
If I do, will you grant me common sense, then, for
the future?

MIRABELL
Faith, I'll do what I can for thee, and I'll pray
that heav'n may grant it thee in the meantime.

PETULANT
Well, harkee.

FAINALL
Petulant and you both will find Mirabell as warm a
rival as a lover.

WITWOUD
Pshaw, pshaw, that she laughs at Petulant is plain.
And for my part, but that it is almost a fashion to admire her, I
should-- harkee--to tell you a secret, but let it go no further
between friends, I shall never break my heart for her.

FAINALL
How?

WITWOUD
She's handsome; but she's a sort of an uncertain
woman.

FAINALL
I thought you had died for her.

WITWOUD
Umh--no -

FAINALL
She has wit.

WITWOUD
'Tis what she will hardly allow anybody else. Now,
demme, I should hate that, if she were as handsome as Cleopatra.
Mirabell is not so sure of her as he thinks for.

FAINALL
Why do you think so?

WITWOUD
We stayed pretty late there last night, and heard
something of an uncle to Mirabell, who is lately come to town, and is
between him and the best part of his estate. Mirabell and he are at
some distance, as my Lady Wishfort has been told; and you know she
hates Mirabell worse than a quaker hates a parrot, or than a
fishmonger hates a hard frost. Whether this uncle has seen Mrs.
Millamant or not, I cannot say; but there were items of such a treaty
being in embryo; and if it should come to life, poor Mirabell would
be in some sort unfortunately fobbed, i'faith.

FAINALL
'Tis impossible Millamant should hearken to it.

WITWOUD
Faith, my dear, I can't tell; she's a woman and a
kind of a humorist.

MIRABELL
And this is the sum of what you could collect last
night?

PETULANT
The quintessence. Maybe Witwoud knows more; he
stayed longer. Besides, they never mind him; they say anything before
him.

MIRABELL
I thought you had been the greatest favourite.

PETULANT
Ay, tete-e-tete; but not in public, because I make
remarks.

MIRABELL
You do?

PETULANT
Ay, ay, pox, I'm malicious, man. Now he's soft,
you know, they are not in awe of him. The fellow's well bred, he's
what you call a--what d'ye-call-'em--a fine gentleman, but he's silly
withal.

MIRABELL
I thank you, I know as much as my curiosity
requires. Fainall, are you for the Mall?

FAINALL
Ay, I'll take a turn before dinner.

WITWOUD
Ay, we'll all walk in the park; the ladies talked of
being there.

MIRABELL
I thought you were obliged to watch for your
brother Sir Wilfull's arrival.

WITWOUD
No, no, he comes to his aunt's, my Lady Wishfort;
pox on him, I shall be troubled with him too; what shall I do with
the fool?

PETULANT
Beg him for his estate, that I may beg you
afterwards, and so have but one trouble with you both.

WITWOUD
O rare Petulant, thou art as quick as fire in a
frosty morning; thou shalt to the Mall with us, and we'll be very
severe.

PETULANT
Enough; I'm in a humour to be severe.

MIRABELL
Are you? Pray then walk by yourselves. Let not us
be accessory to your putting the ladies out of countenance with your
senseless ribaldry, which you roar out aloud as often as they pass by
you, and when you have made a handsome woman blush, then you think
you have been severe.

PETULANT
What, what? Then let 'em either show their
innocence by not understanding what they hear, or else show their
discretion by not hearing what they would not be thought to
understand.

MIRABELL
But hast not thou then sense enough to know that
thou ought'st to be most ashamed thyself when thou hast put another
out of countenance?

PETULANT
Not I, by this hand: I always take blushing either
for a sign of guilt or ill-breeding.

MIRABELL
I confess you ought to think so. You are in the
right, that you may plead the error of your judgment in defence of
your practice.

Where modesty's ill manners, 'tis but fit That impudence and
malice pass for wit.