Scene III.

Love for Love

by William Congreve

TATTLE, VALENTINE, SCANDAL, ANGELICA.

ANGELICA
You can't accuse me of inconstancy; I never told
you that I loved you.

VALENTINE
But I can accuse you of uncertainty, for not
telling me whether you did or not.

ANGELICA
You mistake indifference for uncertainty; I never
had concern enough to ask myself the question.

SCANDAL
Nor good-nature enough to answer him that did ask
you; I'll say that for you, madam.

ANGELICA
What, are you setting up for good-nature?

SCANDAL
Only for the affectation of it, as the women do for
ill- nature.

ANGELICA
Persuade your friend that it is all affectation.

SCANDAL
I shall receive no benefit from the opinion; for I
know no effectual difference between continued affectation and
reality.

TATTLE
[coming up]. Scandal, are you in private discourse?
Anything of secrecy? [Aside to SCANDAL.]

SCANDAL
Yes, but I dare trust you; we were talking of
Angelica's love to Valentine. You won't speak of it.

TATTLE
No, no, not a syllable. I know that's a secret, for
it's whispered everywhere.

SCANDAL
Ha, ha, ha!

ANGELICA
What is, Mr Tattle? I heard you say something was
whispered everywhere.

SCANDAL
Your love of Valentine.

ANGELICA
How!

TATTLE
No, madam, his love for your ladyship. Gad take me,
I beg your pardon,--for I never heard a word of your ladyship's
passion till this instant.

ANGELICA
My passion! And who told you of my passion, pray
sir?

SCANDAL
Why, is the devil in you? Did not I tell it you for
a secret?

TATTLE
Gadso; but I thought she might have been trusted with
her own affairs.

SCANDAL
Is that your discretion? Trust a woman with
herself?

TATTLE
You say true, I beg your pardon. I'll bring all off.
It was impossible, madam, for me to imagine that a person of your
ladyship's wit and gallantry could have so long received the
passionate addresses of the accomplished Valentine, and yet remain
insensible; therefore you will pardon me, if, from a just weight of
his merit, with your ladyship's good judgment, I formed the balance
of a reciprocal affection.

VALENTINE
O the devil, what damned costive poet has given
thee this lesson of fustian to get by rote?

ANGELICA
I dare swear you wrong him, it is his own. And Mr
Tattle only judges of the success of others, from the effects of his
own merit. For certainly Mr Tattle was never denied anything in his
life.

TATTLE
O Lord! Yes, indeed, madam, several times.

ANGELICA
I swear I don't think 'tis possible.

TATTLE
Yes, I vow and swear I have; Lord, madam, I'm the
most unfortunate man in the world, and the most cruelly used by the
ladies.

ANGELICA
Nay, now you're ungrateful.

TATTLE
No, I hope not, 'tis as much ingratitude to own some
favours as to conceal others.

VALENTINE
There, now it's out.

ANGELICA
I don't understand you now. I thought you had
never asked anything but what a lady might modestly grant, and you
confess.

SCANDAL
So faith, your business is done here; now you may go
brag somewhere else.

TATTLE
Brag! O heavens! Why, did I name anybody?

ANGELICA
No; I suppose that is not in your power; but you
would if you could, no doubt on't.

TATTLE
Not in my power, madam! What, does your ladyship
mean that I have no woman's reputation in my power?

SCANDAL
'Oons, why, you won't own it, will you? [Aside.]

TATTLE
Faith, madam, you're in the right; no more I have, as
I hope to be saved; I never had it in my power to say anything to a
lady's prejudice in my life. For as I was telling you, madam, I have
been the most unsuccessful creature living, in things of that nature;
and never had the good fortune to be trusted once with a lady's
secret, not once.

ANGELICA
No?

VALENTINE
Not once, I dare answer for him.

SCANDAL
And I'll answer for him; for I'm sure if he had, he
would have told me; I find, madam, you don't know Mr Tattle.

TATTLE
No indeed, madam, you don't know me at all, I find.
For sure my intimate friends would have known -

ANGELICA
Then it seems you would have told, if you had been
trusted.

TATTLE
O pox, Scandal, that was too far put. Never have
told particulars, madam. Perhaps I might have talked as of a third
person; or have introduced an amour of my own, in conversation, by
way of novel; but never have explained particulars.

ANGELICA
But whence comes the reputation of Mr Tattle's
secrecy, if he was never trusted?

SCANDAL
Why, thence it arises--the thing is proverbially
spoken; but may be applied to him--as if we should say in general
terms, he only is secret who never was trusted; a satirical proverb
upon our sex. There's another upon yours--as she is chaste, who was
never asked the question. That's all.

VALENTINE
A couple of very civil proverbs, truly. 'Tis hard
to tell whether the lady or Mr Tattle be the more obliged to you.
For you found her virtue upon the backwardness of the men; and his
secrecy upon the mistrust of the women.

TATTLE
Gad, it's very true, madam, I think we are obliged to
acquit ourselves. And for my part--but your ladyship is to speak
first.

ANGELICA
Am I? Well, I freely confess I have resisted a
great deal of temptation.

TATTLE
And i'Gad, I have given some temptation that has not
been resisted.

VALENTINE
Good.

ANGELICA
I cite Valentine here, to declare to the court, how
fruitless he has found his endeavours, and to confess all his
solicitations and my denials.

VALENTINE
I am ready to plead not guilty for you; and guilty
for myself.

SCANDAL
So, why this is fair, here's demonstration with a
witness.

TATTLE
Well, my witnesses are not present. But I confess I
have had favours from persons. But as the favours are numberless, so
the persons are nameless.

SCANDAL
Pooh, this proves nothing.

TATTLE
No? I can show letters, lockets, pictures, and
rings; and if there be occasion for witnesses, I can summon the maids
at the chocolate-houses, all the porters at Pall Mall and Covent
Garden, the door-keepers at the Playhouse, the drawers at Locket's,
Pontack's, the Rummer, Spring Garden, my own landlady and valet de
chambre; all who shall make oath that I receive more letters than the
Secretary's office, and that I have more vizor-masks to enquire for
me, than ever went to see the Hermaphrodite, or the Naked Prince.
And it is notorious that in a country church once, an enquiry being
made who I was, it was answered, I was the famous Tattle, who had
ruined so many women.

VALENTINE
It was there, I suppose, you got the nickname of
the Great Turk.

TATTLE
True; I was called Turk-Tattle all over the parish.
The next Sunday all the old women kept their daughters at home, and
the parson had not half his congregation. He would have brought me
into the spiritual court, but I was revenged upon him, for he had a
handsome daughter whom I initiated into the science. But I repented
it afterwards, for it was talked of in town. And a lady of quality
that shall be nameless, in a raging fit of jealousy, came down in her
coach and six horses, and exposed herself upon my account; Gad, I was
sorry for it with all my heart. You know whom I mean--you know where
we raffled -

SCANDAL
Mum, Tattle.

VALENTINE
'Sdeath, are not you ashamed?

ANGELICA
O barbarous! I never heard so insolent a piece of
vanity. Fie, Mr Tattle; I'll swear I could not have believed it. Is
this your secrecy?

TATTLE
Gadso, the heat of my story carried me beyond my
discretion, as the heat of the lady's passion hurried her beyond her
reputation. But I hope you don't know whom I mean; for there was a
great many ladies raffled. Pox on't, now could I bite off my
tongue.

SCANDAL
No, don't; for then you'll tell us no more. Come,
I'll recommend a song to you upon the hint of my two proverbs, and I
see one in the next room that will sing it. [Goes to the door.]

TATTLE
For heaven's sake, if you do guess, say nothing; Gad,
I'm very unfortunate.

SCANDAL
Pray sing the first song in the last new play.

SONG.

Set by Mr John Eccles.

I.

A nymph and a swain to Apollo once prayed,
The swain had
been jilted, the nymph been betrayed:
Their intent was to try if
his oracle knew
E'er a nymph that was chaste, or a swain that was
true.

II.

Apollo was mute, and had like t'have been posed,
But sagely
at length he this secret disclosed:
He alone won't betray in whom
none will confide,
And the nymph may be chaste that has never
been tried.