Chapter Four

Martin Chuzzlewit

by Charles Dickens

FROM WHICH IT WILL APPEAR THAT IF UNION BE STRENGTH, AND FAMILY
AFFECTION BE PLEASANT TO CONTEMPLATE, THE CHUZZLEWITS WERE THE
STRONGEST AND MOST AGREEABLE FAMILY IN THE WORLD

That worthy man Mr Pecksniff having taken leave of his cousin in
the solemn terms recited in the last chapter, withdrew to his own
home, and remained there three whole days; not so much as going out
for a walk beyond the boundaries of his own garden, lest he should be
hastily summoned to the bedside of his penitent and remorseful
relative, whom, in his ample benevolence, he had made up his mind to
forgive unconditionally, and to love on any terms. But such was the
obstinacy and such the bitter nature of that stern old man, that no
repentant summons came; and the fourth day found Mr Pecksniff
apparently much farther from his Christian object than the first.

During the whole of this interval, he haunted the Dragon at all
times and seasons in the day and night, and, returning good for evil
evinced the deepest solicitude in the progress of the obdurate
invalid, in so much that Mrs Lupin was fairly melted by his
disinterested anxiety (for he often particularly required her to take
notice that he would do the same by any stranger or pauper in the
like condition), and shed many tears of admiration and delight.

Meantime, old Martin Chuzzlewit remained shut up in his own
chamber, and saw no person but his young companion, saving the
hostess of the Blue Dragon, who was, at certain times, admitted to
his presence. So surely as she came into the room, however, Martin
feigned to fall asleep. It was only when he and the young lady were
alone, that he would utter a word, even in answer to the simplest
inquiry; though Mr Pecksniff could make out, by hard listening at the
door, that they two being left together, he was talkative enough.

It happened on the fourth evening, that Mr Pecksniff walking, as
usual, into the bar of the Dragon and finding no Mrs Lupin there,
went straight upstairs; purposing, in the fervour of his affectionate
zeal, to apply his ear once more to the keyhole, and quiet his mind
by assuring himself that the hard-hearted patient was going on well.
It happened that Mr Pecksniff, coming softly upon the dark passage
into which a spiral ray of light usually darted through the same
keyhole, was astonished to find no such ray visible; and it happened
that Mr Pecksniff, when he had felt his way to the chamber-door,
stooping hurriedly down to ascertain by personal inspection whether
the jealousy of the old man had caused this keyhole to be stopped on
the inside, brought his head into such violent contact with another
head that he could not help uttering in an audible voice the
monosyllable 'Oh!' which was, as it were, sharply unscrewed and
jerked out of him by very anguish. It happened then, and lastly,
that Mr Pecksniff found himself immediately collared by something
which smelt like several damp umbrellas, a barrel of beer, a cask of
warm brandy-and-water, and a small parlour-full of stale tobacco
smoke, mixed; and was straightway led downstairs into the bar from
which he had lately come, where he found himself standing opposite
to, and in the grasp of, a perfectly strange gentleman of still
stranger appearance who, with his disengaged hand, rubbed his own
head very hard, and looked at him, Pecksniff, with an evil
countenance.

The gentleman was of that order of appearance which is currently
termed shabby-genteel, though in respect of his dress he can hardly
be said to have been in any extremities, as his fingers were a long
way out of his gloves, and the soles of his feet were at an
inconvenient distance from the upper leather of his boots. His
nether garments were of a bluish grey--violent in its colours once,
but sobered now by age and dinginess--and were so stretched and
strained in a tough conflict between his braces and his straps, that
they appeared every moment in danger of flying asunder at the knees.
His coat, in colour blue and of a military cut, was buttoned and
frogged up to his chin. His cravat was, in hue and pattern, like one
of those mantles which hairdressers are accustomed to wrap about
their clients, during the progress of the professional mysteries. His
hat had arrived at such a pass that it would have been hard to
determine whether it was originally white or black. But he wore a
moustache--a shaggy moustache too; nothing in the meek and merciful
way, but quite in the fierce and scornful style; the regular Satanic
sort of thing--and he wore, besides, a vast quantity of unbrushed
hair. He was very dirty and very jaunty; very bold and very mean;
very swaggering and very slinking; very much like a man who might
have been something better, and unspeakably like a man who deserved
to be something worse.

'You were eaves-dropping at that door, you vagabond!' said this
gentleman.

Mr Pecksniff cast him off, as Saint George might have repudiated
the Dragon in that animal's last moments, and said:

'Where is Mrs Lupin, I wonder! can the good woman possibly be
aware that there is a person here who--'

'Stay!' said the gentleman. 'Wait a bit. She does know. What
then?'

'What then, sir?' cried Mr Pecksniff. 'What then? Do you know,
sir, that I am the friend and relative of that sick gentleman? That
I am his protector, his guardian, his--'

'Not his niece's husband,' interposed the stranger, 'I'll be
sworn; for he was there before you.'

'What do you mean?' said Mr Pecksniff, with indignant surprise.
'What do you tell me, sir?'

'Wait a bit!' cried the other, 'Perhaps you are a cousin--the
cousin who lives in this place?'

'I am the cousin who lives in this place,' replied the man of
worth.

'Your name is Pecksniff?' said the gentleman.

'It is.'

'I am proud to know you, and I ask your pardon,' said the
gentleman, touching his hat, and subsequently diving behind his
cravat for a shirt-collar, which however he did not succeed in
bringing to the surface. 'You behold in me, sir, one who has also an
interest in that gentleman upstairs. Wait a bit.'

As he said this, he touched the tip of his high nose, by way of
intimation that he would let Mr Pecksniff into a secret presently;
and pulling off his hat, began to search inside the crown among a
mass of crumpled documents and small pieces of what may be called the
bark of broken cigars; whence he presently selected the cover of an
old letter, begrimed with dirt and redolent of tobacco.

'Read that,' he cried, giving it to Mr Pecksniff.

'This is addressed to Chevy Slyme, Esquire,' said that
gentleman.

'You know Chevy Slyme, Esquire, I believe?' returned the
stranger.

Mr Pecksniff shrugged his shoulders as though he would say 'I
know there is such a person, and I am sorry for it.'

'Very good,' remarked the gentleman. 'That is my interest and
business here.' With that he made another dive for his shirt-collar
and brought up a string.

'Now, this is very distressing, my friend,' said Mr Pecksniff,
shaking his head and smiling composedly. 'It is very distressing to
me, to be compelled to say that you are not the person you claim to
be. I know Mr Slyme, my friend; this will not do; honesty is the
best policy you had better not; you had indeed.'

'Stop' cried the gentleman, stretching forth his right arm,
which was so tightly wedged into his threadbare sleeve that it looked
like a cloth sausage. 'Wait a bit!'

He paused to establish himself immediately in front of the fire
with his back towards it. Then gathering the skirts of his coat
under his left arm, and smoothing his moustache with his right thumb
and forefinger, he resumed:

'I understand your mistake, and I am not offended. Why?
Because it's complimentary. You suppose I would set myself up for
Chevy Slyme. Sir, if there is a man on earth whom a gentleman would
feel proud and honoured to be mistaken for, that man is my friend
Slyme. For he is, without an exception, the highest-minded, the most
independent-spirited, most original, spiritual, classical, talented,
the most thoroughly Shakspearian, if not Miltonic, and at the same
time the most disgustingly-unappreciated dog I know. But, sir, I
have not the vanity to attempt to pass for Slyme. Any other man in
the wide world, I am equal to; but Slyme is, I frankly confess, a
great many cuts above me. Therefore you are wrong.'

'I judged from this,' said Mr Pecksniff, holding out the cover
of the letter.

'No doubt you did,' returned the gentleman. 'But, Mr Pecksniff,
the whole thing resolves itself into an instance of the peculiarities
of genius. Every man of true genius has his peculiarity. Sir, the
peculiarity of my friend Slyme is, that he is always waiting round
the corner. He is perpetually round the corner, sir. He is round
the corner at this instant. Now,' said the gentleman, shaking his
forefinger before his nose, and planting his legs wider apart as he
looked attentively in Mr Pecksniff's face, 'that is a remarkably
curious and interesting trait in Mr Slyme's character; and whenever
Slyme's life comes to be written, that trait must be thoroughly
worked out by his biographer or society will not be satisfied.
Observe me, society will not be satisfied!'

Mr Pecksniff coughed.

'Slyme's biographer, sir, whoever he may be,' resumed the
gentleman, 'must apply to me; or, if I am gone to that
what's-his-name from which no thingumbob comes back, he must apply to
my executors for leave to search among my papers. I have taken a few
notes in my poor way, of some of that man's proceedings--my adopted
brother, sir,--which would amaze you. He made use of an expression,
sir, only on the fifteenth of last month when he couldn't meet a
little bill and the other party wouldn't renew, which would have done
honour to Napoleon Bonaparte in addressing the French army.'

'And pray,' asked Mr Pecksniff, obviously not quite at his ease,
'what may be Mr Slyme's business here, if I may be permitted to
inquire, who am compelled by a regard for my own character to disavow
all interest in his proceedings?'

'In the first place,' returned the gentleman, 'you will permit
me to say, that I object to that remark, and that I strongly and
indignantly protest against it on behalf of my friend Slyme. In the
next place, you will give me leave to introduce myself. My name,
sir, is Tigg. The name of Montague Tigg will perhaps be familiar to
you, in connection with the most remarkable events of the Peninsular
War?'

Mr Pecksniff gently shook his head.

'No matter,' said the gentleman. 'That man was my father, and I
bear his name. I am consequently proud--proud as Lucifer. Excuse me
one moment. I desire my friend Slyme to be present at the remainder
of this conference.'

With this announcement he hurried away to the outer door of the
Blue Dragon, and almost immediately returned with a companion shorter
than himself, who was wrapped in an old blue camlet cloak with a
lining of faded scarlet. His sharp features being much pinched and
nipped by long waiting in the cold, and his straggling red whiskers
and frowzy hair being more than usually dishevelled from the same
cause, he certainly looked rather unwholesome and uncomfortable than
Shakspearian or Miltonic.

'Now,' said Mr Tigg, clapping one hand on the shoulder of his
prepossessing friend, and calling Mr Pecksniff's attention to him
with the other, 'you two are related; and relations never did agree,
and never will; which is a wise dispensation and an inevitable thing,
or there would be none but family parties, and everybody in the world
would bore everybody else to death. If you were on good terms, I
should consider you a most confoundedly unnatural pair; but standing
towards each other as you do, I took upon you as a couple of devilish
deep-thoughted fellows, who may be reasoned with to any extent.'

Here Mr Chevy Slyme, whose great abilities seemed one and all to
point towards the sneaking quarter of the moral compass, nudged his
friend stealthily with his elbow, and whispered in his ear.

'Chiv,' said Mr Tigg aloud, in the high tone of one who was not
to be tampered with. 'I shall come to that presently. I act upon my
own responsibility, or not at all. To the extent of such a trifling
loan as a crownpiece to a man of your talents, I look upon Mr
Pecksniff as certain;' and seeing at this juncture that the
expression of Mr Pecksniff's face by no means betokened that he
shared this certainty, Mr Tigg laid his finger on his nose again for
that gentleman's private and especial behoof; calling upon him
thereby to take notice that the requisition of small loans was
another instance of the peculiarities of genius as developed in his
friend Slyme; that he, Tigg, winked at the same, because of the
strong metaphysical interest which these weaknesses possessed; and
that in reference to his own personal advocacy of such small
advances, he merely consulted the humour of his friend, without the
least regard to his own advantage or necessities.

'Oh, Chiv, Chiv!' added Mr Tigg, surveying his adopted brother
with an air of profound contemplation after dismissing this piece of
pantomime. 'You are, upon my life, a strange instance of the little
frailties that beset a mighty mind. If there had never been a
telescope in the world, I should have been quite certain from my
observation of you, Chiv, that there were spots on the sun! I wish I
may die, if this isn't the queerest state of existence that we find
ourselves forced into without knowing why or wherefore, Mr Pecksniff!
Well, never mind! Moralise as we will, the world goes on. As Hamlet
says, Hercules may lay about him with his club in every possible
direction, but he can't prevent the cats from making a most
intolerable row on the roofs of the houses, or the dogs from being
shot in the hot weather if they run about the streets unmuzzled.
Life's a riddle; a most infernally hard riddle to guess, Mr
Pecksniff. My own opinions, that like that celebrated conundrum,
"Why's a man in jail like a man out of jail?" there's no answer to
it. Upon my soul and body, it's the queerest sort of thing
altogether--but there's no use in talking about it. Ha! Ha!'

With which consolatory deduction from the gloomy premises
recited, Mr Tigg roused himself by a great effort, and proceeded in
his former strain.

'Now I'll tell you what it is. I'm a most confoundedly
soft-hearted kind of fellow in my way, and I cannot stand by, and see
you two blades cutting each other's throats when there's nothing to
be got by it. Mr Pecksniff, you're the cousin of the testator
upstairs and we're the nephew--I say we, meaning Chiv. Perhaps in
all essential points you are more nearly related to him than we are.
Very good. If so, so be it. But you can't get at him, neither can
we. I give you my brightest word of honour, sir, that I've been
looking through that keyhole with short intervals of rest, ever since
nine o'clock this morning, in expectation of receiving an answer to
one of the most moderate and gentlemanly applications for a little
temporary assistance--only fifteen pounds, and my security --that the
mind of man can conceive. In the meantime, sir, he is perpetually
closeted with, and pouring his whole confidence into the bosom of, a
stranger. Now I say decisively with regard to this state of
circumstances, that it won't do; that it won't act; that it can't be;
and that it must not be suffered to continue.'

'Every man,' said Mr Pecksniff, 'has a right, an undoubted
right, (which I, for one, would not call in question for any earthly
consideration; oh no!) to regulate his own proceedings by his own
likings and dislikings, supposing they are not immoral and not
irreligious. I may feel in my own breast, that Mr Chuzzlewit does
not regard--me, for instance; say me--with exactly that amount of
Christian love which should subsist between us. I may feel grieved
and hurt at the circumstance; still I may not rush to the conclusion
that Mr Chuzzlewit is wholly without a justification in all his
coldnesses. Heaven forbid! Besides; how, Mr Tigg,' continued
Pecksniff even more gravely and impressively than he had spoken yet,
'how could Mr Chuzzlewit be prevented from having these peculiar and
most extraordinary confidences of which you speak; the existence of
which I must admit; and which I cannot but deplore--for his sake?
Consider, my good sir--' and here Mr Pecksniff eyed him wistfully--
'how very much at random you are talking.'

'Why, as to that,' rejoined Tigg, 'it certainly is a difficult
question.'

'Undoubtedly it is a difficult question,' Mr Pecksniff answered.
As he spoke he drew himself aloft, and seemed to grow more mindful,
suddenly, of the moral gulf between himself and the creature he
addressed. 'Undoubtedly it is a very difficult question. And I am
far from feeling sure that it is a question any one is authorized to
discuss. Good evening to you.'

'You don't know that the Spottletoes are here, I suppose?' said
Mr Tigg.

'What do you mean, sir? what Spottletoes?' asked Pecksniff,
stopping abruptly on his way to the door.

'Mr and Mrs Spottletoe,' said Chevy Slyme, Esquire, speaking
aloud for the first time, and speaking very sulkily; shambling with
his legs the while. 'Spottletoe married my father's brother's child,
didn't he? And Mrs Spottletoe is Chuzzlewit's own niece, isn't she?
She was his favourite once. You may well ask what Spottletoes.'

'Now upon my sacred word!' cried Mr Pecksniff, looking upwards.
'This is dreadful. The rapacity of these people is absolutely
frightful!'

'It's not only the Spottletoes either, Tigg,' said Slyme,
looking at that gentleman and speaking at Mr Pecksniff. 'Anthony
Chuzzlewit and his son have got wind of it, and have come down this
afternoon. I saw 'em not five minutes ago, when I was waiting round
the corner.'

'Oh, Mammon, Mammon!' cried Mr Pecksniff, smiting his
forehead.

'So there,' said Slyme, regardless of the interruption, 'are his
brother and another nephew for you, already.'

'This is the whole thing, sir,' said Mr Tigg; 'this is the point
and purpose at which I was gradually arriving when my friend Slyme
here, with six words, hit it full. Mr Pecksniff, now that your
cousin (and Chiv's uncle) has turned up, some steps must be taken to
prevent his disappearing again; and, if possible, to counteract the
influence which is exercised over him now, by this designing
favourite. Everybody who is interested feels it, sir. The whole
family is pouring down to this place. The time has come when
individual jealousies and interests must be forgotten for a time,
sir, and union must be made against the common enemy. When the
common enemy is routed, you will all set up for yourselves again;
every lady and gentleman who has a part in the game, will go in on
their own account and bowl away, to the best of their ability, at the
testator's wicket, and nobody will be in a worse position than
before. Think of it. Don't commit yourself now. You'll find us at
the Half Moon and Seven Stars in this village, at any time, and open
to any reasonable proposition. Hem! Chiv, my dear fellow, go out and
see what sort of a night it is.'

Mr Slyme lost no time in disappearing, and it is to be presumed
in going round the corner. Mr Tigg, planting his legs as wide apart
as he could be reasonably expected by the most sanguine man to keep
them, shook his head at Mr Pecksniff and smiled.

'We must not be too hard,' he said, 'upon the little
eccentricities of our friend Slyme. You saw him whisper me?'

Mr Pecksniff had seen him.

'You heard my answer, I think?'

Mr Pecksniff had heard it.

'Five shillings, eh?' said Mr Tigg, thoughtfully. 'Ah! what an
extraordinary fellow! Very moderate too!'

Mr Pecksniff made no answer.

'Five shillings!' pursued Mr Tigg, musing; 'and to be punctually
repaid next week; that's the best of it. You heard that?'

Mr Pecksniff had not heard that.

'No! You surprise me!' cried Tigg. 'That's the cream of the
thing sir. I never knew that man fail to redeem a promise, in my
life. You're not in want of change, are you?'

'No,' said Mr Pecksniff, 'thank you. Not at all.'

'Just so,' returned Mr Tigg. 'If you had been, I'd have got it
for you.' With that he began to whistle; but a dozen seconds had not
elapsed when he stopped short, and looking earnestly at Mr Pecksniff,
said:

'Perhaps you'd rather not lend Slyme five shillings?'

'I would much rather not,' Mr Pecksniff rejoined.

'Egad!' cried Tigg, gravely nodding his head as if some ground
of objection occurred to him at that moment for the first time, 'it's
very possible you may be right. Would you entertain the same sort of
objection to lending me five shillings now?'

'Yes, I couldn't do it, indeed,' said Mr Pecksniff.

'Not even half-a-crown, perhaps?' urged Mr Tigg.

'Not even half-a-crown.'

'Why, then we come,' said Mr Tigg, 'to the ridiculously small
amount of eighteen pence. Ha! ha!'

'And that,' said Mr Pecksniff, 'would be equally
objectionable.'

On receipt of this assurance, Mr Tigg shook him heartily by both
hands, protesting with much earnestness, that he was one of the most
consistent and remarkable men he had ever met, and that he desired
the honour of his better acquaintance. He moreover observed that
there were many little characteristics about his friend Slyme, of
which he could by no means, as a man of strict honour, approve; but
that he was prepared to forgive him all these slight drawbacks, and
much more, in consideration of the great pleasure he himself had that
day enjoyed in his social intercourse with Mr Pecksniff, which had
given him a far higher and more enduring delight than the successful
negotiation of any small loan on the part of his friend could
possibly have imparted. With which remarks he would beg leave, he
said, to wish Mr Pecksniff a very good evening. And so he took
himself off; as little abashed by his recent failure as any gentleman
would desire to be.

The meditations of Mr Pecksniff that evening at the bar of the
Dragon, and that night in his own house, were very serious and grave
indeed; the more especially as the intelligence he had received from
Messrs Tigg and Slyme touching the arrival of other members of the
family, were fully confirmed on more particular inquiry. For the
Spottletoes had actually gone straight to the Dragon, where they were
at that moment housed and mounting guard, and where their appearance
had occasioned such a vast sensation that Mrs Lupin, scenting their
errand before they had been under her roof half an hour, carried the
news herself with all possible secrecy straight to Mr Pecksniff's
house; indeed it was her great caution in doing so which occasioned
her to miss that gentleman, who entered at the front door of the
Dragon just as she emerged from the back one. Moreover, Mr Anthony
Chuzzlewit and his son Jonas were economically quartered at the Half
Moon and Seven Stars, which was an obscure ale-house; and by the very
next coach there came posting to the scene of action, so many other
affectionate members of the family (who quarrelled with each other,
inside and out, all the way down, to the utter distraction of the
coachman), that in less than four- and-twenty hours the scanty tavern
accommodation was at a premium, and all the private lodgings in the
place, amounting to full four beds and sofa, rose cent per cent in
the market.

In a word, things came to that pass that nearly the whole family
sat down before the Blue Dragon, and formally invested it; and Martin
Chuzzlewit was in a state of siege. But he resisted bravely;
refusing to receive all letters, messages, and parcels; obstinately
declining to treat with anybody; and holding out no hope or promise
of capitulation. Meantime the family forces were perpetually
encountering each other in divers parts of the neighbourhood; and, as
no one branch of the Chuzzlewit tree had ever been known to agree
with another within the memory of man, there was such a skirmishing,
and flouting, and snapping off of heads, in the metaphorical sense of
that expression; such a bandying of words and calling of names; such
an upturning of noses and wrinkling of brows; such a formal interment
of good feelings and violent resurrection of ancient grievances; as
had never been known in those quiet parts since the earliest record
of their civilized existence.

At length, in utter despair and hopelessness, some few of the
belligerents began to speak to each other in only moderate terms of
mutual aggravation; and nearly all addressed themselves with a show
of tolerable decency to Mr Pecksniff, in recognition of his high
character and influential position. Thus, by little and little, they
made common cause of Martin Chuzzlewit's obduracy, until it was
agreed (if such a word can be used in connection with the
Chuzzlewits) that there should be a general council and conference
held at Mr Pecksniff's house upon a certain day at noon; which all
members of the family who had brought themselves within reach of the
summons, were forthwith bidden and invited, solemnly, to attend.

If ever Mr Pecksniff wore an apostolic look, he wore it on this
memorable day. If ever his unruffled smile proclaimed the words, 'I
am a messenger of peace!' that was its mission now. If ever man
combined within himself all the mild qualities of the lamb with a
considerable touch of the dove, and not a dash of the crocodile, or
the least possible suggestion of the very mildest seasoning of the
serpent, that man was he. And, oh, the two Miss Pecksniffs! Oh, the
serene expression on the face of Charity, which seemed to say, 'I
know that all my family have injured me beyond the possibility of
reparation, but I forgive them, for it is my duty so to do!' And,
oh, the gay simplicity of Mercy; so charming, innocent, and infant-
like, that if she had gone out walking by herself, and it had been a
little earlier in the season, the robin-redbreasts might have covered
her with leaves against her will, believing her to be one of the
sweet children in the wood, come out of it, and issuing forth once
more to look for blackberries in the young freshness of her heart!
What words can paint the Pecksniffs in that trying hour? Oh, none;
for words have naughty company among them, and the Pecksniffs were
all goodness.

But when the company arrived! That was the time. When Mr
Pecksniff, rising from his seat at the table's head, with a daughter
on either hand, received his guests in the best parlour and motioned
them to chairs, with eyes so overflowing and countenance so damp with
gracious perspiration, that he may be said to have been in a kind of
moist meekness! And the company; the jealous stony-hearted
distrustful company, who were all shut up in themselves, and had no
faith in anybody, and wouldn't believe anything, and would no more
allow themselves to be softened or lulled asleep by the Pecksniffs
than if they had been so many hedgehogs or porcupines!

First, there was Mr Spottletoe, who was so bald and had such big
whiskers, that he seemed to have stopped his hair, by the sudden
application of some powerful remedy, in the very act of falling off
his head, and to have fastened it irrevocably on his face. Then
there was Mrs Spottletoe, who being much too slim for her years, and
of a poetical constitution, was accustomed to inform her more
intimate friends that the said whiskers were 'the lodestar of her
existence;' and who could now, by reason of her strong affection for
her uncle Chuzzlewit, and the shock it gave her to be suspected of
testamentary designs upon him, do nothing but cry--except moan. Then
there were Anthony Chuzzlewit, and his son Jonas; the face of the old
man so sharpened by the wariness and cunning of his life, that it
seemed to cut him a passage through the crowded room, as he edged
away behind the remotest chairs; while the son had so well profited
by the precept and example of the father, that he looked a year or
two the elder of the twain, as they stood winking their red eyes,
side by side, and whispering to each other softly. Then there was
the widow of a deceased brother of Mr Martin Chuzzlewit, who being
almost supernaturally disagreeable, and having a dreary face and a
bony figure and a masculine voice, was, in right of these qualities,
what is commonly called a strong-minded woman; and who, if she could,
would have established her claim to the title, and have shown
herself, mentally speaking, a perfect Samson, by shutting up her
brother-in-law in a private madhouse, until he proved his complete
sanity by loving her very much. Beside her sat her spinster
daughters, three in number, and of gentlemanly deportment, who had so
mortified themselves with tight stays, that their tempers were
reduced to something less than their waists, and sharp lacing was
expressed in their very noses. Then there was a young gentleman,
grandnephew of Mr Martin Chuzzlewit, very dark and very hairy, and
apparently born for no particular purpose but to save looking-glasses
the trouble of reflecting more than just the first idea and sketchy
notion of a face, which had never been carried out. Then there was a
solitary female cousin who was remarkable for nothing but being very
deaf, and living by herself, and always having the toothache. Then
there was George Chuzzlewit, a gay bachelor cousin, who claimed to be
young but had been younger, and was inclined to corpulency, and
rather overfed himself; to that extent, indeed, that his eyes were
strained in their sockets, as if with constant surprise; and he had
such an obvious disposition to pimples, that the bright spots on his
cravat, the rich pattern on his waistcoat, and even his glittering
trinkets, seemed to have broken out upon him, and not to have come
into existence comfortably. Last of all there were present Mr Chevy
Slyme and his friend Tigg. And it is worthy of remark, that although
each person present disliked the other, mainly because he or she did
belong to the family, they one and all concurred in hating Mr Tigg
because he didn't.

Such was the pleasant little family circle now assembled in Mr
Pecksniff's best parlour, agreeably prepared to fall foul of Mr
Pecksniff or anybody else who might venture to say anything whatever
upon any subject.

'This,' said Mr Pecksniff, rising and looking round upon them
with folded hands, 'does me good. It does my daughters good. We
thank you for assembling here. We are grateful to you with our whole
hearts. It is a blessed distinction that you have conferred upon us,
and believe me'-- it is impossible to conceive how he smiled
here--'we shall not easily forget it.'

'I am sorry to interrupt you, Pecksniff,' remarked Mr
Spottletoe, with his whiskers in a very portentous state; 'but you
are assuming too much to yourself, sir. Who do you imagine has it in
contemplation to confer a distinction upon you, sir?'

A general murmur echoed this inquiry, and applauded it.

'If you are about to pursue the course with which you have
begun, sir,' pursued Mr Spottletoe in a great heat, and giving a
violent rap on the table with his knuckles, 'the sooner you desist,
and this assembly separates, the better. I am no stranger, sir, to
your preposterous desire to be regarded as the head of this family,
but I can tell you, sir--'

Oh yes, indeed! He tell. He! What? He was the head, was he?
From the strong-minded woman downwards everybody fell, that instant,
upon Mr Spottletoe, who after vainly attempting to be heard in
silence was fain to sit down again, folding his arms and shaking his
head most wrathfully, and giving Mrs Spottletoe to understand in dumb
show, that that scoundrel Pecksniff might go on for the present, but
he would cut in presently, and annihilate him.

'I am not sorry,' said Mr Pecksniff in resumption of his
address, 'I am really not sorry that this little incident has
happened. It is good to feel that we are met here without disguise.
It is good to know that we have no reserve before each other, but are
appearing freely in our own characters.'

Here, the eldest daughter of the strong-minded woman rose a
little way from her seat, and trembling violently from head to foot,
more as it seemed with passion than timidity, expressed a general
hope that some people would appear in their own characters, if it
were only for such a proceeding having the attraction of novelty to
recommend it; and that when they (meaning the some people before
mentioned) talked about their relations, they would be careful to
observe who was present in company at the time; otherwise it might
come round to those relations' ears, in a way they little expected;
and as to red noses (she observed) she had yet to learn that a red
nose was any disgrace, inasmuch as people neither made nor coloured
their own noses, but had that feature provided for them without being
first consulted; though even upon that branch of the subject she had
great doubts whether certain noses were redder than other noses, or
indeed half as red as some. This remark being received with a shrill
titter by the two sisters of the speaker, Miss Charity Pecksniff
begged with much politeness to be informed whether any of those very
low observations were levelled at her; and receiving no more
explanatory answer than was conveyed in the adage 'Those the cap
fits, let them wear it,' immediately commenced a somewhat acrimonious
and personal retort, wherein she was much comforted and abetted by
her sister Mercy, who laughed at the same with great heartiness;
indeed far more naturally than life. And it being quite impossible
that any difference of opinion can take place among women without
every woman who is within hearing taking active part in it, the
strong-minded lady and her two daughters, and Mrs Spottletoe, and the
deaf cousin (who was not at all disqualified from joining in the
dispute by reason of being perfectly unacquainted with its merits),
one and all plunged into the quarrel directly.

The two Miss Pecksniffs being a pretty good match for the three
Miss Chuzzlewits, and all five young ladies having, in the figurative
language of the day, a great amount of steam to dispose of, the
altercation would no doubt have been a long one but for the high
valour and prowess of the strong-minded woman, who, in right of her
reputation for powers of sarcasm, did so belabour and pummel Mrs
Spottletoe with taunting words that the poor lady, before the
engagement was two minutes old, had no refuge but in tears. These
she shed so plentifully, and so much to the agitation and grief of Mr
Spottletoe, that that gentleman, after holding his clenched fist
close to Mr Pecksniff's eyes, as if it were some natural curiosity
from the near inspection whereof he was likely to derive high
gratification and improvement, and after offering (for no particular
reason that anybody could discover) to kick Mr George Chuzzlewit for,
and in consideration of, the trifling sum of sixpence, took his wife
under his arm and indignantly withdrew. This diversion, by
distracting the attention of the combatants, put an end to the
strife, which, after breaking out afresh some twice or thrice in
certain inconsiderable spurts and dashes, died away in silence.

It was then that Mr Pecksniff once more rose from his chair. It
was then that the two Miss Pecksniffs composed themselves to look as
if there were no such beings--not to say present, but in the whole
compass of the world--as the three Miss Chuzzlewits; while the three
Miss Chuzzlewits became equally unconscious of the existence of the
two Miss Pecksniffs.

'It is to be lamented,' said Mr Pecksniff, with a forgiving
recollection of Mr Spottletoe's fist, 'that our friend should have
withdrawn himself so very hastily, though we have cause for mutual
congratulation even in that, since we are assured that he is not
distrustful of us in regard to anything we may say or do while he is
absent. Now, that is very soothing, is it not?'

'Pecksniff,' said Anthony, who had been watching the whole party
with peculiar keenness from the first--'don't you be a hypocrite.'

'A what, my good sir?' demanded Mr Pecksniff.

'A hypocrite.'

'Charity, my dear,' said Mr Pecksniff, 'when I take my chamber
candlestick to-night, remind me to be more than usually particular in
praying for Mr Anthony Chuzzlewit; who has done me an injustice.'

This was said in a very bland voice, and aside, as being
addressed to his daughter's private ear. With a cheerfulness of
conscience, prompting almost a sprightly demeanour, he then
resumed:

'All our thoughts centring in our very dear but unkind relative,
and he being as it were beyond our reach, we are met to-day, really
as if we were a funeral party, except--a blessed exception--that
there is no body in the house.'

The strong-minded lady was not at all sure that this was a
blessed exception. Quite the contrary.

'Well, my dear madam!' said Mr Pecksniff. 'Be that as it may,
here we are; and being here, we are to consider whether it is
possible by any justifiable means--'

'Why, you know as well as I,' said the strong-minded lady, 'that
any means are justifiable in such a case, don't you?'

'Very good, my dear madam, very good; whether it is possible by
any means, we will say by any means, to open the eyes of our valued
relative to his present infatuation. Whether it is possible to make
him acquainted by any means with the real character and purpose of
that young female whose strange, whose very strange position, in
reference to himself'--here Mr Pecksniff sunk his voice to an
impressive whisper--'really casts a shadow of disgrace and shame upon
this family; and who, we know'--here he raised his voice again
--'else why is she his companion? harbours the very basest designs
upon his weakness and his property.'

In their strong feeling on this point, they, who agreed in
nothing else, all concurred as one mind. Good Heaven, that she
should harbour designs upon his property! The strong-minded lady was
for poison, her three daughters were for Bridewell and
bread-and-water, the cousin with the toothache advocated Botany Bay,
the two Miss Pecksniffs suggested flogging. Nobody but Mr Tigg, who,
notwithstanding his extreme shabbiness, was still understood to be in
some sort a lady's man, in right of his upper lip and his frogs,
indicated a doubt of the justifiable nature of these measures; and he
only ogled the three Miss Chuzzlewits with the least admixture of
banter in his admiration, as though he would observe, 'You are
positively down upon her to too great an extent, my sweet creatures,
upon my soul you are!'

'Now,' said Mr Pecksniff, crossing his two forefingers in a
manner which was at once conciliatory and argumentative; 'I will not,
upon the one hand, go so far as to say that she deserves all the
inflictions which have been so very forcibly and hilariously
suggested;' one of his ornamental sentences; 'nor will I, upon the
other, on any account compromise my common understanding as a man, by
making the assertion that she does not. What I would observe is,
that I think some practical means might be devised of inducing our
respected, shall I say our revered--?'

'No!' interposed the strong-minded woman in a loud voice.

'Then I will not,' said Mr Pecksniff. 'You are quite right, my
dear madam, and I appreciate and thank you for your discriminating
objection--our respected relative, to dispose himself to listen to
the promptings of nature, and not to the--'

'Go on, Pa!' cried Mercy.

'Why, the truth is, my dear,' said Mr Pecksniff, smiling upon
his assembled kindred, 'that I am at a loss for a word. The name of
those fabulous animals (pagan, I regret to say) who used to sing in
the water, has quite escaped me.'

Mr George Chuzzlewit suggested 'swans.'

'No,' said Mr Pecksniff. 'Not swans. Very like swans, too.
Thank you.'

The nephew with the outline of a countenance, speaking for the
first and last time on that occasion, propounded 'Oysters.'

'No,' said Mr Pecksniff, with his own peculiar urbanity, 'nor
oysters. But by no means unlike oysters; a very excellent idea;
thank you, my dear sir, very much. Wait! Sirens. Dear me! sirens,
of course. I think, I say, that means might be devised of disposing
our respected relative to listen to the promptings of nature, and not
to the siren-like delusions of art. Now we must not lose sight of
the fact that our esteemed friend has a grandson, to whom he was,
until lately, very much attached, and whom I could have wished to see
here to-day, for I have a real and deep regard for him. A fine young
man. a very fine young man! I would submit to you, whether we might
not remove Mr Chuzzlewit's distrust of us, and vindicate our own
disinterestedness by--'

'If Mr George Chuzzlewit has anything to say to me,' interposed
the strong-minded woman, sternly, 'I beg him to speak out like a man;
and not to look at me and my daughters as if he could eat us.'

'As to looking, I have heard it said, Mrs Ned,' returned Mr
George, angrily, 'that a cat is free to contemplate a monarch; and
therefore I hope I have some right, having been born a member of this
family, to look at a person who only came into it by marriage. As to
eating, I beg to say, whatever bitterness your jealousies and
disappointed expectations may suggest to you, that I am not a
cannibal, ma'am.'

'I don't know that!' cried the strong-minded woman.

'At all events, if I was a cannibal,' said Mr George Chuzzlewit,
greatly stimulated by this retort, 'I think it would occur to me that
a lady who had outlived three husbands, and suffered so very little
from their loss, must be most uncommonly tough.'

The strong-minded woman immediately rose.

'And I will further add,' said Mr George, nodding his head
violently at every second syllable; 'naming no names, and therefore
hurting nobody but those whose consciences tell them they are alluded
to, that I think it would be much more decent and becoming, if those
who hooked and crooked themselves into this family by getting on the
blind side of some of its members before marriage, and
manslaughtering them afterwards by crowing over them to that strong
pitch that they were glad to die, would refrain from acting the part
of vultures in regard to other members of this family who are living.
I think it would be full as well, if not better, if those
individuals would keep at home, contenting themselves with what they
have got (luckily for them) already; instead of hovering about, and
thrusting their fingers into, a family pie, which they flavour much
more than enough, I can tell them, when they are fifty miles
away.'

'I might have been prepared for this!' cried the strong-minded
woman, looking about her with a disdainful smile as she moved towards
the door, followed by her three daughters. 'Indeed I was fully
prepared for it from the first. What else could I expect in such an
atmosphere as this!'

'Don't direct your halfpay-officers' gaze at me, ma'am, if you
please,' interposed Miss Charity; 'for I won't bear it.'

This was a smart stab at a pension enjoyed by the strong-minded
woman, during her second widowhood and before her last coverture. It
told immensely.

'I passed from the memory of a grateful country, you very
miserable minx,' said Mrs Ned, 'when I entered this family; and I
feel now, though I did not feel then, that it served me right, and
that I lost my claim upon the United Kingdom of Great Britain and
Ireland when I so degraded myself. Now, my dears, if you're quite
ready, and have sufficiently improved yourselves by taking to heart
the genteel example of these two young ladies, I think we'll go. Mr
Pecksniff, we are very much obliged to you, really. We came to be
entertained, and you have far surpassed our utmost expectations, in
the amusement you have provided for us. Thank you. Good-bye!'

With such departing words, did this strong-minded female
paralyse the Pecksniffian energies; and so she swept out of the room,
and out of the house, attended by her daughters, who, as with one
accord, elevated their three noses in the air, and joined in a
contemptuous titter. As they passed the parlour window on the
outside, they were seen to counterfeit a perfect transport of delight
among themselves; and with this final blow and great discouragement
for those within, they vanished.

Before Mr Pecksniff or any of his remaining visitors could offer
a remark, another figure passed this window, coming, at a great rate
in the opposite direction; and immediately afterwards, Mr Spottletoe
burst into the chamber. Compared with his present state of heat, he
had gone out a man of snow or ice. His head distilled such oil upon
his whiskers, that they were rich and clogged with unctuous drops;
his face was violently inflamed, his limbs trembled; and he gasped
and strove for breath.

'My good sir!' cried Mr Pecksniff.

'Oh yes!' returned the other; 'oh yes, certainly! Oh to be
sure! Oh, of course! You hear him? You hear him? all of you!'

'What's the matter?' cried several voices.

'Oh nothing!' cried Spottletoe, still gasping. 'Nothing at all!
It's of no consequence! Ask him! He'll tell you!'

'I do not understand our friend,' said Mr Pecksniff, looking
about him in utter amazement. 'I assure you that he is quite
unintelligible to me.'

'Unintelligible, sir!' cried the other. 'Unintelligible! Do
you mean to say, sir, that you don't know what has happened! That
you haven't decoyed us here, and laid a plot and a plan against us!
Will you venture to say that you didn't know Mr Chuzzlewit was going,
sir, and that you don't know he's gone, sir?'

'Gone!' was the general cry.

'Gone,' echoed Mr Spottletoe. 'Gone while we were sitting here.
Gone. Nobody knows where he's gone. Oh, of course not! Nobody knew
he was going. Oh, of course not! The landlady thought up to the
very last moment that they were merely going for a ride; she had no
other suspicion. Oh, of course not! She's not this fellow's
creature. Oh, of course not!'

Adding to these exclamations a kind of ironical howl, and gazing
upon the company for one brief instant afterwards, in a sudden
silence, the irritated gentleman started off again at the same
tremendous pace, and was seen no more.

It was in vain for Mr Pecksniff to assure them that this new and
opportune evasion of the family was at least as great a shock and
surprise to him as to anybody else. Of all the bullyings and
denunciations that were ever heaped on one unlucky head, none can
ever have exceeded in energy and heartiness those with which he was
complimented by each of his remaining relatives, singly, upon bidding
him farewell.

The moral position taken by Mr Tigg was something quite
tremendous; and the deaf cousin, who had the complicated aggravation
of seeing all the proceedings and hearing nothing but the
catastrophe, actually scraped her shoes upon the scraper, and
afterwards distributed impressions of them all over the top step, in
token that she shook the dust from her feet before quitting that
dissembling and perfidious mansion.

Mr Pecksniff had, in short, but one comfort, and that was the
knowledge that all these his relations and friends had hated him to
the very utmost extent before; and that he, for his part, had not
distributed among them any more love than, with his ample capital in
that respect, he could comfortably afford to part with. This view of
his affairs yielded him great consolation; and the fact deserves to
be noted, as showing with what ease a good man may be consoled under
circumstances of failure and disappointment.