Chapter 4: A Letter from Little Dorrit

Little Dorrit

by Charles Dickens

Dear Mr Clennam,

I write to you from my own room at Venice, thinking you will be
glad to hear from me. But I know you cannot be so glad to hear from
me as I am to write to you; for everything about you is as you have
been accustomed to see it, and you miss nothing--unless it should be
me, which can only be for a very little while together and very
seldom--while everything in my life is so strange, and I miss so
much.

When we were in Switzerland, which appears to have been years
ago, though it was only weeks, I met young Mrs Gowan, who was on a
mountain excursion like ourselves. She told me she was very well and
very happy. She sent you the message, by me, that she thanked you
affectionately and would never forget you. She was quite confiding
with me, and I loved her almost as soon as I spoke to her. But there
is nothing singular in that; who could help loving so beautiful and
winning a creature! I could not wonder at any one loving her. No
indeed.

It will not make you uneasy on Mrs Gowan's account, I hope--for
I remember that you said you had the interest of a true friend in
her--if I tell you that I wish she could have married some one better
suited to her. Mr Gowan seems fond of her, and of course she is very
fond of him, but I thought he was not earnest enough--I don't mean in
that respect--I mean in anything. I could not keep it out of my mind
that if I was Mrs Gowan (what a change that would be, and how I must
alter to become like her!) I should feel that I was rather lonely and
lost, for the want of some one who was steadfast and firm in purpose.
I even thought she felt this want a little, almost without knowing
it. But mind you are not made uneasy by this, for she was 'very well
and very happy.' And she looked most beautiful.

I expect to meet her again before long, and indeed have been
expecting for some days past to see her here. I will ever be as good
a friend to her as I can for your sake. Dear Mr Clennam, I dare say
you think little of having been a friend to me when I had no other
(not that I have any other now, for I have made no new friends), but
I think much of it, and I never can forget it.

I wish I knew--but it is best for no one to write to me--how Mr
and Mrs Plornish prosper in the business which my dear father bought
for them, and that old Mr Nandy lives happily with them and his two
grandchildren, and sings all his songs over and over again. I cannot
quite keep back the tears from my eyes when I think of my poor Maggy,
and of the blank she must have felt at first, however kind they all
are to her, without her Little Mother. Will you go and tell her, as
a strict secret, with my love, that she never can have regretted our
separation more than I have regretted it? And will you tell them all
that I have thought of them every day, and that my heart is faithful
to them everywhere? O, if you could know how faithful, you would
almost pity me for being so far away and being so grand!

You will be glad, I am sure, to know that my dear father is very
well in health, and that all these changes are highly beneficial to
him, and that he is very different indeed from what he used to be
when you used to see him. There is an improvement in my uncle too, I
think, though he never complained of old, and never exults now.
Fanny is very graceful, quick, and clever. It is natural to her to
be a lady; she has adapted herself to our new fortunes with wonderful
ease.

This reminds me that I have not been able to do so, and that I
sometimes almost despair of ever being able to do so. I find that I
cannot learn. Mrs General is always with us, and we speak French and
speak Italian, and she takes pains to form us in many ways. When I
say we speak French and Italian, I mean they do. As for me, I am so
slow that I scarcely get on at all. As soon as I begin to plan, and
think, and try, all my planning, thinking, and trying go in old
directions, and I begin to feel careful again about the expenses of
the day, and about my dear father, and about my work, and then I
remember with a start that there are no such cares left, and that in
itself is so new and improbable that it sets me wandering again. I
should not have the courage to mention this to any one but you.

It is the same with all these new countries and wonderful
sights. They are very beautiful, and they astonish me, but I am not
collected enough--not familiar enough with myself, if you can quite
understand what I mean--to have all the pleasure in them that I might
have. What I knew before them, blends with them, too, so curiously.
For instance, when we were among the mountains, I often felt (I
hesitate to tell such an idle thing, dear Mr Clennam, even to you) as
if the Marshalsea must be behind that great rock; or as if Mrs
Clennam's room where I have worked so many days, and where I first
saw you, must be just beyond that snow. Do you remember one night
when I came with Maggy to your lodging in Covent Garden? That room I
have often and often fancied I have seen before me, travelling along
for miles by the side of our carriage, when I have looked out of the
carriage-window after dark. We were shut out that night, and sat at
the iron gate, and walked about till morning. I often look up at the
stars, even from the balcony of this room, and believe that I am in
the street again, shut out with Maggy. It is the same with people
that I left in England.

When I go about here in a gondola, I surprise myself looking
into other gondolas as if I hoped to see them. It would overcome me
with joy to see them, but I don't think it would surprise me much, at
first. In my fanciful times, I fancy that they might be anywhere;
and I almost expect to see their dear faces on the bridges or the
quays.

Another difficulty that I have will seem very strange to you.
It must seem very strange to any one but me, and does even to me: I
often feel the old sad pity for--I need not write the word--for him.
Changed as he is, and inexpressibly blest and thankful as I always am
to know it, the old sorrowful feeling of compassion comes upon me
sometimes with such strength that I want to put my arms round his
neck, tell him how I love him, and cry a little on his breast. I
should be glad after that, and proud and happy. But I know that I
must not do this; that he would not like it, that Fanny would be
angry, that Mrs General would be amazed; and so I quiet myself. Yet
in doing so, I struggle with the feeling that I have come to be at a
distance from him; and that even in the midst of all the servants and
attendants, he is deserted, and in want of me.

Dear Mr Clennam, I have written a great deal about myself, but I
must write a little more still, or what I wanted most of all to say
in this weak letter would be left out of it. In all these foolish
thoughts of mine, which I have been so hardy as to confess to you
because I know you will understand me if anybody can, and will make
more allowance for me than anybody else would if you cannot--in all
these thoughts, there is one thought scarcely ever--never--out of my
memory, and that is that I hope you sometimes, in a quiet moment,
have a thought for me. I must tell you that as to this, I have felt,
ever since I have been away, an anxiety which I am very anxious to
relieve. I have been afraid that you may think of me in a new light,
or a new character. Don't do that, I could not bear that--it would
make me more unhappy than you can suppose. It would break my heart
to believe that you thought of me in any way that would make me
stranger to you than I was when you were so good to me. What I have
to pray and entreat of you is, that you will never think of me as the
daughter of a rich person; that you will never think of me as
dressing any better, or living any better, than when you first knew
me. That you will remember me only as the little shabby girl you
protected with so much tenderness, from whose threadbare dress you
have kept away the rain, and whose wet feet you have dried at your
fire. That you will think of me (when you think of me at all), and
of my true affection and devoted gratitude, always without change, as
of your poor child,

`3659` Little Dorrit.

P.S.--Particularly remember that you are not to be uneasy about
Mrs Gowan. Her words were, 'Very well and very happy.' And she
looked most beautiful.